It’s the end of the year, and why be self-reflective and think about what I did this year when I could sort out my feelings about Ryan Seacrest? After all, he is the man that’s going to tell me that we are entering into 2013, and I just don’t know what to make of him yet. Holy emergency, Batman!
So without further ado, I present to you a completely unbalanced and subjective piece: The Pros and Cons of Ryan Seacrest.
Pro: He’s cute, right? I mean, I think he’s cute. Is he? I can’t decide. I guess so. I mean, he has the features of someone who’s cute, so he must be cute. Yeah. He’s cute.
Con: Ryan can veer into cheesedom very easily. And his idols don’t help. Dick Clark? Casey Kasem? It’s all too… smiles and skinny microphones and shiny shoes for my taste. I don’t know. Show me some edge, maybe? And I don’t mean the edge of your perfectly coiffed bangs.
Pro: That Ryan Seacrest can wear a suit, sister. His suits are always nicely tailored, they fit him well, and he can rock a skinny tie.
Con: The skin. What is that color? Burnt Sienna? I don’t dig it. That’s the color of pottery, that face. So either plant a succulent in it or fix it.
Pro: Ryan’s got a thousand jobs. Dude is on the radio, on television, on the red carpet, in the control room as an executive producer. Everyone wants a piece of him. That’s gotta stand for something, right?
Con: On the other hand, what’s wrong with doing one thing well and being happy with it? In my father’s father’s day, a man would work at one company until he retired. It was a simpler time. A time when you wore a skinny tie because you couldn’t afford a wide one. Because you had to put FOOD on the TABLE. And now kids are working five different jobs like they grow on trees? I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.
Pro: Ryan started a charitable foundation to help sick kids.
Con: He named Selena Gomez as ambassador of that foundation. What, did Sailor Moon have a conflict?
Pro: Ry-Ry is in a lasting relationship with Julianne Hough. She’s adorable and they seem happy together.
Con: Julianne Hough is 14 years Ryan’s junior. He’s 38 and she’s 24, y’all! They only have like a 30 second window of shared pop culture references. And he’s inching his way towards senior status. Pretty soon he’s going to be all, “Honey? What did I do with my face tape? I know I put it here somewhere!” And she’s going to be all, “I hate that you have to tape your face together!”
Pro: He’s not Chris Harrison. As far as TV hosts go, it could be a lot worse.
Con: He ain’t Cat Deeley either.
My verdict? A begrudging “pro.” There are so many more offensive guys out there, I’ve got to hand it to Ryan. All in all, he seems like an alright guy.
So, fine. You can announce the new year, Ryan. I’ll allow it. The show is going on, people! I’ve just approved it! You can stop worrying now! Why is no one listening to me?