Oh, TLC. Draw me closer into your mysterious embrace. Tangle me more intricately into your web of stories. Make me question your intentions with more shows like Wives With Beehives.
Now, before I explain exactly what that is, is it just me or are we at a point where it’s legitimately impossible to tell what a TLC show is about because they’ve gone so far off the rails? When Jenni asked me to cover Wives With Beehives for Crushable, we had to look it up on their website to determine whether it was a reality show about professional beekeepers falling in love, or something Mormon-y because of the beehives. Turns out, neither. Wives With Beehives is about a community of ladies who like to dress up, act, and live like it’s still the 1950s. You know, because that was such a fun time to be a lady. You got access to all those opportunities and birth control and equal-paying jobs and whatnot. It was paradise. But these women really think it was, and they’re into all of it, but particularly the clothing, makeup, and gender roles. So let me introduce you to them, cone-bras and all.
There’s Dollie, the blond pin-up girl who just got married, and Shelby, another blond pin-up girl who just got married. You can tell them apart because Dollie is a bitch who hates Shelby and the fact that she isn’t the only blond of the group anymore. Also at the big party, Shelby is the one without any friends and Dollie is the one who refused to introduce her to anyone, hiding behind her husband and refusing to get backed into a conversation. Like…with anyone. It’s very odd. You’d think in a community this small, you’d be grateful for others who share your lifestyle, but instead the girls are suuuuper competitive. Some of them say they don’t want to live in the modern world so there isn’t any form of “Keeping Up With The Joneses” as far as who has the newest computer or electronics, but the cattiness and pettiness between ladies more than makes up for it.
The other two women are Amber, who’s a redhead, and the brunette, Leslie. Everyone on the show is married because WHAT ELSE IS THERE IN THE 50s, but these are the older two of the group. Amber is 37 and Leslie is 43. They get along — they went to an outdoor boot camp class together in full hair, makeup and dungarees — but are (of course) secretly judge-y of each other as well. You see, Amber is more the traditional fifties housewife. She makes everything from scratch and is always polite, organized, and on time. Whereas Leslie has help at home in the form of maids and gardeners, and frequently shows up late places because her hair and makeup are her main foci. Amber doesn’t like that Leslie isn’t traditional, and Leslie doesn’t like Amber judging her just because she can afford a different lifestyle.
Oh and of course Dollie and Shelby both judge the older ladies for getting plastic surgery. They think you should let your body age naturally. They’re all about doing things the natural way, obviously, since they dress up in corsets and gloves in California in 2012. Also you’re twenty, so shut up, your time will come for surgical enhancement, you circus freaks. Whoa, sorry. My opinions really got away from me there for a second. I think it’s because there’s so much hypocrisy and back-stabbing in this group. You do whatever you want, but I’m not super into watching you be catty about your fellow castmates and complain about people paying attention to you and ruining your day while you’re filming a reality TV show.
Oh and don’t pretend you guys don’t have email addresses. I know you. I see you. There’s no way you taped your auditions on your vintage Victrolas and sent it by goddamn telegram. Did I go too far back in time? Well goddamn it. I mean…golly gee willickers.