Something felt wrong when I woke up today. I woke up in my bed, the same way I usually do, and turned on the television while I booted up my laptop and made a cup of tea. I clicked through the options to see what sacred little nuggets of entertainment my DVR had ensnared for me, and that’s when I realized: it’s Friday and there’s no Jersey Shore on here. For many moons now I’ve spent Friday mornings with my guido friends, learning about their lives and feeling pretty awesome about mine, in comparison. But the series ended last week, so my DVR was a cold and barren landscape, punctuated only by the the odd Toddlers And Tiaras episode. My eyes filled with tears. How could they abandon me like this? In my hour of need.
But then…I realized they haven’t truly abandoned me at all…they live on in my heart and mind, in the lessons that I’ve learned and the hope that they’ve taught me. I know what you’re thinking — what could I, or anyone, possibly learn from the cast of Jersey Shore? They only sometimes remember to pee indoors and nine times out of ten they don’t wash their hands. But you’d be surprised the little nubbins of wisdom that I’ve picked up over the years. And if you don’t mind, I’ll share them with you — some real life lessons from the cast of Jersey Shore. Ahem.
Deena taught me the importance of friendship. It’s the most important thing. It’s the difference between having a girls’ night out with Snooki where they’re botht the same level of sloshed, and getting arrested for dancing by yourself in the middle of the street. Without her fellow meatball, Deena is just a sad pile of sauce.
From Jenni I learned that it’s crucial to stand up for yourself. She may not always be right, like when she backhanded Mike or tried to pull the hair out of Sammi’s head, but whether you agree with her or not, you know not to fuck with her, amiright? I’d love to be the kind of person in life who nobody brought their bullshit to for fear of me braining you with a fist of glory. Unfortunately I don’t have the JWow patented brass balls, so I’ll have to keep working at it.
There is hope for everyone — that’s something I learned from The Situation. He’s the person I would’ve least expected to get help, and probably the person who needed it the most. He went from wandering around with his dick hanging out, starting fights with walls in Italy, and man-handling girls at the club, to a sober, more thoughtful person. Think about the reserves of strength it must’ve taken to stay clean through that whole season, even while eating Paula’s nut cake. I gotta say, I don’t think I could’ve done it.
From this epically blown-out thundercat, I learned that you have to be straightforward. Pretty much 100% of the time, Pauly’s approach to girls is just to walk up to them at a bar and ask them if they’re DTF. And a surprising amount of the time, it actually works. Granted, some of that should probably be attributed to the fact that he’s now become famous, but a little directness never hurt anybody. What’s the worst that could happen, they say no? It’s not like you’re proposing.
RONNIE AND SAM
You guys, some people really are meant to be together. It’s become obvious that I don’t know the first thing about relationships, because I never would’ve expected these two to weather the storms of physical abuse, philandering, and screaming matches that these two have. And yet they’ve come out of it on the other end like the calm after said storm. They’re living together and the only fight they had was in the final episode, and Ronnie apologized right away. I don’t get it and I don’t recommend it, but if those two can get through that, then they can get through anything.
From Snooki I learned to always be yourself. It can be hard sometimes, especially when your true self is a little orange Sherpa with a poof and a penchant for flashing your lady bits. But here’s the thing. The sooner you start acting like yourself, the sooner you can find someone who loves all that about you. Which is how we reach the end of three years of Jersey Shore with Snooki a mother engaged to a guy who really seems to love her, and me…single on my couch. Thankfully also sans baby. THIS IS REAL LIFE. LEARN FROM IT.
From Vinny I learned the power of real love. Real love conquers all, and you have to give it the respect it deserves. That means you remain celibate even when you’re at the Jersey Shore being filmed for a reality show. It means you never break that promise to yourself or to your partner unless a threesome is on the table. It means apologizing to the guy whose fiancee you slept with. And it also means that blowjobs don’t count, which is a handy caveat.