World’s Oldest Woman Dies, I Blame Haylor

World's Oldest Woman Mariam Ammash

Mariam Ammash, the woman who claimed to be the world’s oldest person, has died at age 124. She was never officially acknowledged as such, because officials have been unable to verify her documents, but she does have an Israeli passport that lists her date of birth as 1888. In recent interviews, however, she’d been unable to recall details of her youth, so the Guinness Book Of World Records decided to go with the more verifiable Jirouemon Kirume, a Japanese man who is definitely 115-years old.

But 124 years old! Yowzers, huh? How did we let this international treasure slip through our fingers? Someone with that much life experience to share shouldn’t have been allowed to get away from us before we verified the year of her birth. So who was supposed to be watching her and protecting her from all harm? Well I don’t have any reason to believe this, but I’m pretty sure it was Harry Styles and Taylor Swift. They’re young and popular and attractive, so we all elected them to guard the realm astride their prancing unicorns, brandishing rainbow swords. That happened, right?

But since they’ve been so infatuated with each other and going on snowy wonderland dates, they weren’t paying attention to their sworn duties as Pop Culture Protectors. If you guys could just admit you’re together instead of sneaking around and trying to keep us guessing, you’d have a lot more time left over to polish your swords and pet your unicorns and make sure your invisibility cloaks don’t shrink in the dryer. So you think about that. Think about that long and hard, Haylor, the next time you’re walking hand-in-hand through the Central Park Zoo. Mariam and her ten kids and three hundred grandkids (yup) were counting on you. And now Jirouemon is too. Don’t let us down.

(Image: Central Telegraph)

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