The start of a new year invokes promise and an opportunity for a fresh start. And we all know that nobody appreciates a fresh start more than celebrities – especially the self-destructive ones who bought (possibly lifelong) tickets to crazy town. These kinds of crazies are our celebrity trainwrecks. Where once they had it all…this year they lost it.
Our celebrity trainwrecks this year feature old and new favorites alike: Chris Brown, The Jacksons (a whole family of trainwrecks!) and, perhaps the queen this year, Lindsay Lohan. Although Amanda Bynes did give her a run for her (already dwindling) cash stash.
Individually these gems have made a year’s worth of bad decisions. Combined…probably enough for a lifetime. After several series of unfortunate events it’s important that we take the time to learn from their mistakes so we can start 2013 off on the right foot. Find the best life lessons in the rubble of their derailed trains.
Proceed with caution. This is tough love!
Lindsay Lohan taught us a lot this year. However all of her actions seemed to have one underlying life lesson that we cannot ignore: there is no such thing as personal responsibility or consequence. WHAT?! This is huge guys! It completely alters the human consciousness and thoughts on what is right and wrong. But it’s true. At least if you’re a celebrity. Punching people in the face is completely understandable and expected. Even better, hitting people will cars is only punishable by mere hours in jail. And don’t forget that you can always blame other people for your mistakes. A boy bander or your parents. Take your pick!
(David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews.com)
Amanda tried desperately to be as giving as LiLo in the lesson department this year. She did the whole drinking and driving thing. Spending hours walking around naked in inappropriate places thing. Somewhere LiLo was yawning at Amanda’s unoriginality. That was until Amanda did something totally different: She appealed to our president, Barack Obama, and plead her innocence. On Twitter. While a valiant effort, this did nothing to help her cause. Life lesson? The government
can’t won’t help you. Celebrity status or not.
The Jackson Family
This one is sad and straight to the point: Blood isn’t thicker than water!
Michael Jackson‘s siblings not only kidnapped their mother Katherine Jackson, but they also ambushed Paris, Blanket and Prince Jackson. They’re just kids! Seriously, WTF guys? It’s so disappointing to see how this family seems to have fallen apart since Michael’s passing.
Oh, John Carter. We all had such high hopes for you. I mean come on, you had Taylor Kitsch‘s abs on your side! You just couldn’t get your shit together and that makes us weep. In the end you did teach us one valuable lesson: the lower your expectations, the less disappointed you’ll be. If we’d all gone into the film knowing how awful it’d be it might have been possible to be pleasantly surprised.
It pains me to put Demi Moore on this list, but lately she’s been putting her crazy on display. Life Lesson: Being a cougar is past it’s prime. That’s right, being old is getting old. How very meta cougar. This is an important lesson for all the older ladies out there. Let Demi be the guide you should never follow. Let her mistakes of dating much younger men despite her previous experiences teach you that it’s not a good idea. At least not right now. Who knows, maybe being a cougar will be in season next year?
Last but certainly not least: It doesn’t matter how awful you are, people will always support you. t’s true! You can be a misogynistic, abusive, completely unapologetic asshole and people will STILL support you. They’ll even threaten the people who don’t. Isn’t this comforting knowledge?
Careful with this though. Not everyone is supportive. I’m looking at you Brian Littrell.
The most important thing to take away from 2012’s Hollywood Trainwrecks is this: Whatever mistakes we make there is always a chance to start over. 2013 is a new year ready for new fuck-ups. All with very little consequences. Hooray!