My Love Affair With Madonna Fans This Year

Madonna performs live in concert during the last city stop of her 2012 North American tour at The American Airlines ArenaAs 2012 draws to a close, I’ve found myself looking back over my year and reflecting on decisions made, paths taken, and friendships formed. I could bore you all with a play-by-play of my year and the things I’ve learned, but I’d rather just talk to you about a very special relationship that really came to the forefront of my life in the past twelve months.

Maybe you hadn’t heard, but I’m in a relationship. No, not with a living, breathing, human male. Don’t be silly. Instead, I’ve begun a beautiful, blossoming relationship with Madonna‘s fans. I didn’t even realize how many of them there were, or how kind and loving and supportive, but they’re like a great, gossamer net that sways me gently to sleep every night. Every post that I write about Madonna they love, and they show me so with calm, well-thought out comments praising my integrity as a writer and my journalistic voice. It’s probably the first productive, healthy relationship I’ve been in, and I couldn’t appreciate it more.

The first post I ever wrote about Madonna was entitled ‘10 Things That Madonna’s Kids Will Grow Up Never Knowing How To Do, On Account Of Her Superstrength Arms‘. It was a hard-hitting journalistic piece with things like ‘opening pickle jars’ and ‘lifting cars off of trapped children’. Tasks that I was legitimately worried her kids wouldn’t be able to do because they’re so used to relying on their roided out mom. But this was early in the love affair, so none of my new paramours left me any comments.

But my next post was like the eye contact you make across the room. We glimpsed each other and it was love at first sight. This post was called ‘Madonna Flashes Her Boob At A Concert In Turkey…Yes, On Purpose‘. It was the kind of piece I normally would’ve written for a publication like The Wall Street Journal, but thank goodness I wrote it for Crushable instead, so I got a chance to meet my new crush through the comments. And there were many many comments. This post went viral for some reason, getting about 30,000 views in a couple hours, so my heart was rushing the same way it does when I meet a cute guy and he asks me out on a date. Basically this was Madge’s fans asking me out on a date, in the form of twenty-three comments alternately praising Madonna’s body like Pianissimo, who said:

Hahaha I love Maddona :D
This is weird or shocking?? Whaaat? This is MADONNA lol. She’s always done stuff like this. Love it.
She still has a hott bod fo sho. I kinda digg the costume, btw. Very Jean Paul Gaultier.

Or joining me in being semi-repulsed at her 53-year old breasticle like JFO:

Nothing says desperate like a 53 year old woman flashing her breast in public – you have jumped the shark, honey! Please … I do not want to see that again!!!

Whether or not they agreed with me, I’d met the partner of my dreams, and I couldn’t wait to hear from then again. We were besotted with each other.

And I didn’t have to wait long. When I wrote my ‘Dear Madonna, I Think It’s Time For An Intervention‘ post, the outpouring of love and support was truly staggering. My new lovers left me twenty-four comments, or, as I prefer to think of them — love letters. They made up pet names for me like ‘bitch’ and ‘hater’, and whispered sweet nothings into my ear like:

Dear Alexis Rhiannon
Please go and join the France Nationale (Le Pen) party. They are in need of your care and attention, Madonna isn’t!! Madonna is a survivor so if you hope to bring her down with this triviality and banal comments you have a tough job on your hands. Madonna is unstoppable right! That’s why she is still here. Madonna not only has things to say but she is proactive in doing something about them.
Close your open letter honey, nobody cares about it or you. You are irrelevant, try as you might to put yourself in the spotlight by continually writing, without substance, on the greatest female icon of all time.
Footnote: Sign your letter? I’d rather die bitch! Now DRIVE bitch and get the hell outta here!

I’ll treasure that note from Darolo always, and this one from Jason Dillinger:

Dear Alexis Rhiannon, I think it’s time to look in the mirror and ask, ‘why do you really hate yourself?’ Additionally, what fulfillment do you receive by putting down someone who has dared to LIVE and continues to live HER LIFE to the fullest. Is it because your life is nothing more than one pathetic routine? A lackluster relationship, if there is one? The inability to discipline oneself physically? A sexless life?

My favorite part is how they take time to learn about my sexless life and my inability to discipline myself physically and use that to personalize their kind words. I can tell they love me because of the all-caps. HAZE, one of my dearest new friends, left me an entire essay in the comments, beginning with the sentences, “I am beginning to equate Madonna with Jesus, in a very bad way. Since Christianity has brainwashed humans since the induction of the Bible it seems he can do no wrong. The same can be said about Madonna since the creation of the Sex book.”

So yeah you guys. Look back on your year and tell me that you haven’t had a more passionate, loving, or fulfilling relationship this year than I’ve had with Madonna’s fans. Next year I’m hoping they’ll pop the question.


Share This Post:
    • Ramón Jurado

      God it must be so sad to be you! And live in a world where a celebrity you hate and envy has been the most famous woman in the world for 30 years and will continue to be until you die. What a sad bitter Gaga fan, they are always little monsters. I’ll say a prayer for you and Gaga’s dying career.

      • jmgonzales

        !!! you go girl!!!

    • jmgonzales

      there was a storm, so she had to shorten the concert

      - and who’d smoke at a concert (*even if this was Chile – only Ga’s monsterites would set this up!)

      - really OMG!

    • a

      How dare you include Madonna’s daughter’s full name as a tag in an article that isn’t about her whatsoever? (or madonna, for that matter.) this is just your personal rant on a “news site” that happens to be yours. you ever heard of forums or personal blogs to let out your frustrations? If this is truly what you were worrying about on Christmas, you are the one with the problem, not Madonna, the people who love her, and certainly not her children.

    • Luca Adami

      the wonderful people…have a wonderful dream…Alexis..on the guillotine..cause peopl like you…make me feel so tired…when will you die…when will you die…

    • mrwayne

      Why are you so obsessed with Madonna? Do you have a lesbian crush on her? Are you out to steal her soul? Do you have a houseful of magazine cutouts and voodoo dolls wearing bullet bras? Why do you constantly post such hateful and negative articles about her? What kind of journalist (and I use that term loosely) are you? You sound more like Janice Ian lashing out at the popular, beautiful girls because thats what you really want.

      That’s it isn’t it? Secretly, you’d love to know what it’s like? Wouldn’t you? What it feels like for a pretty girl, adored by millions?

      Sadly you are left at the ugly girl table with Lady Imitator and her unoriginality. But hey, maybe the two of you can have a bad romance together. Cause you certainly aren’t gonna land on Madonna’s radar.