As 2012 draws to a close, I’ve found myself looking back over my year and reflecting on decisions made, paths taken, and friendships formed. I could bore you all with a play-by-play of my year and the things I’ve learned, but I’d rather just talk to you about a very special relationship that really came to the forefront of my life in the past twelve months.
Maybe you hadn’t heard, but I’m in a relationship. No, not with a living, breathing, human male. Don’t be silly. Instead, I’ve begun a beautiful, blossoming relationship with Madonna‘s fans. I didn’t even realize how many of them there were, or how kind and loving and supportive, but they’re like a great, gossamer net that sways me gently to sleep every night. Every post that I write about Madonna they love, and they show me so with calm, well-thought out comments praising my integrity as a writer and my journalistic voice. It’s probably the first productive, healthy relationship I’ve been in, and I couldn’t appreciate it more.
The first post I ever wrote about Madonna was entitled ‘10 Things That Madonna’s Kids Will Grow Up Never Knowing How To Do, On Account Of Her Superstrength Arms‘. It was a hard-hitting journalistic piece with things like ‘opening pickle jars’ and ‘lifting cars off of trapped children’. Tasks that I was legitimately worried her kids wouldn’t be able to do because they’re so used to relying on their roided out mom. But this was early in the love affair, so none of my new paramours left me any comments.
But my next post was like the eye contact you make across the room. We glimpsed each other and it was love at first sight. This post was called ‘Madonna Flashes Her Boob At A Concert In Turkey…Yes, On Purpose‘. It was the kind of piece I normally would’ve written for a publication like The Wall Street Journal, but thank goodness I wrote it for Crushable instead, so I got a chance to meet my new crush through the comments. And there were many many comments. This post went viral for some reason, getting about 30,000 views in a couple hours, so my heart was rushing the same way it does when I meet a cute guy and he asks me out on a date. Basically this was Madge’s fans asking me out on a date, in the form of twenty-three comments alternately praising Madonna’s body like Pianissimo, who said:
Hahaha I love Maddona
This is weird or shocking?? Whaaat? This is MADONNA lol. She’s always done stuff like this. Love it.
She still has a hott bod fo sho. I kinda digg the costume, btw. Very Jean Paul Gaultier.
Or joining me in being semi-repulsed at her 53-year old breasticle like JFO:
Nothing says desperate like a 53 year old woman flashing her breast in public – you have jumped the shark, honey! Please … I do not want to see that again!!!
Whether or not they agreed with me, I’d met the partner of my dreams, and I couldn’t wait to hear from then again. We were besotted with each other.
And I didn’t have to wait long. When I wrote my ‘Dear Madonna, I Think It’s Time For An Intervention‘ post, the outpouring of love and support was truly staggering. My new lovers left me twenty-four comments, or, as I prefer to think of them — love letters. They made up pet names for me like ‘bitch’ and ‘hater’, and whispered sweet nothings into my ear like:
Dear Alexis Rhiannon
Please go and join the France Nationale (Le Pen) party. They are in need of your care and attention, Madonna isn’t!! Madonna is a survivor so if you hope to bring her down with this triviality and banal comments you have a tough job on your hands. Madonna is unstoppable right! That’s why she is still here. Madonna not only has things to say but she is proactive in doing something about them.
Close your open letter honey, nobody cares about it or you. You are irrelevant, try as you might to put yourself in the spotlight by continually writing, without substance, on the greatest female icon of all time.
Footnote: Sign your letter? I’d rather die bitch! Now DRIVE bitch and get the hell outta here!
I’ll treasure that note from Darolo always, and this one from Jason Dillinger:
Dear Alexis Rhiannon, I think it’s time to look in the mirror and ask, ‘why do you really hate yourself?’ Additionally, what fulfillment do you receive by putting down someone who has dared to LIVE and continues to live HER LIFE to the fullest. Is it because your life is nothing more than one pathetic routine? A lackluster relationship, if there is one? The inability to discipline oneself physically? A sexless life?
My favorite part is how they take time to learn about my sexless life and my inability to discipline myself physically and use that to personalize their kind words. I can tell they love me because of the all-caps. HAZE, one of my dearest new friends, left me an entire essay in the comments, beginning with the sentences, “I am beginning to equate Madonna with Jesus, in a very bad way. Since Christianity has brainwashed humans since the induction of the Bible it seems he can do no wrong. The same can be said about Madonna since the creation of the Sex book.”
So yeah you guys. Look back on your year and tell me that you haven’t had a more passionate, loving, or fulfilling relationship this year than I’ve had with Madonna’s fans. Next year I’m hoping they’ll pop the question.