It’s December 25th, and as my gift to all of you, I have channeled a legendary ghost of pop culture’s past to deliver you all a dose of holiday cheer:
This is Daria Morgendorffer. I was on MTV. Merry Christmas. I hope all of you who believe in celebrating the possible birthday of the possible son of God are having as good a time as possible contributing to the reproduction of cultural mythology and our society’s preoccupation with consumerism.
Okay, so I may not have actually channeled channeled Daria, originally a Beavis And Butthead character who blew up when Daria the show became a thing on MTV in 1997. But I’ve been thinking a lot about the Doc Marten wearing, irony-spewing, pseudo-goth chick reppin’ all of the 90′s ever since Katy Perry dressed up as her BFF Jane Lane for Halloween, and what better day than Christmas to try and bring her back for a bit? Resurrecting the deadpan, monotone voice of a generation is my gift to you. If Charles Dickens could raise the dead for Scrooge, then so can I, for Crushable’s loyal readers (and anyone who misses old school MTV). Merry Christmas, y’all.
Why now? Well, I know a lot of people love the holidays. And really what’s not to love. Frozen precipitation, thick and spicy egg drinks, a constant fear of eating shit on icy sidewalks, fat old men all jolly hoping for crotch contact, shopping debt, nativity scenes… Joy to the world, man. Joy to the world. In December, Yule tidings are spread as rampantly as herpes in a whorehouse…and I can’t wait for this month to be over. My guess is that Daria would probably feel very similarly.
Before you write me off as a Christmas-hating curmudgeon, let me tell you: I’m not. There are some things I enjoy about this time of year. Namely presents. Pie’s also good. There’s more, but my hatred of black ice and tacky lighting is clouding my memory. That, and I have a hard time getting all excited about things when it’s fucking freezing outside.
I don’t have a hard time getting pumped for the coming new year though. That January 1st so closely follows December 25th is my favorite thing about this time of year. I like to think that the new year brings with it a clean slate for those of us who really want it to. Why? Because all of us—from the likes of Lindsay Lohan, to anyone who hates on my girl Britney Spears… even schmucks like Chris Brown!—are afforded the opportunity to make New Year’s resolutions. Who’s a curmudgeon now?
So, simultaneously plowing through Christmas and keeping in line with the positive vibes that just welled up inside of me—a real Christmas miracle—I’d like to offer some assistance to those who may not have prepared New Year’s resolutions yet. AKA I’m gonna use Daria Morgendorffer to get down Wise Men style and wax prophetic:
The Daria Morgendorfer Guide To New Year’s Resolutions:
Resolve to always look on, or at least for, the bright side.
Resolve to live in the moment.
Or maybe resolve to plan ahead…
Resolve to always strive for balance.
Ya only live once. Resolve to try new (kinky) things.
Resolve to always make the best use of your natural abilities.
Resolve not to sweat the small stuff.
Resolve to be ready for anything.
Resolve to be more in touch with your emotions.
So… resolve not to tell the kind of lies that hurt others. (I’m looking at you Sam Lutfi. I didn’t believe your Britney Spears crystal meth crap for a second.)
Resolve to be more independent.
Resolve to get enough sleep.
Bet no one thought Daria’s resolutions would be so uplifting, huh? And if you thought the first twelve were pretty positive, just wait til you read the last piece of wisecrackin’ Daria wisdom. This special lil’ tidbit applies to everyone, It’s A Wonderful Life fans and those who think we live in a Sick, Sad World alike:
…my advice is stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and the lie are not “sort of” the same thing. And there’s no aspect, no facet, no moment in life that can’t be improved with pizza. Thank you.”
Now get out there and prepare to resolve.
(Photo: Shutterstock, Tumblr)