• Fri, Dec 21 2012

Jersey Shore: Paula Pickard Was The Only Reason This Season Was Worth Watching

Paula Pickard Mike Sorrentino The Situation Jersey ShoreI gotta say, I was expecting something worse on Jersey Shore last night than just a nut-cake. I’m sure it was on purpose, but by the way they phrased it in the previews, I was pretty sure Paula Pickard put some jizz in the frosting on The Situation‘s birthday cake. We didn’t get to see the picture because MTV helpfully blurred it out, but after all that, it sounds like all that really happened to that cake was a nice tea-bagging. What a let-down.

And what a metaphor for the season, as well. I had high hopes for the Jersey Shore cast this year, and if previous seasons taught me anything, it’s that those expectations are likely to be fulfilled. And they were primed so perfectly! Look how the season started: Snooki was pregnant, Deena was in a new relationship, Jenni and Roger are still together and heading toward marriage, Mike was on the wagon, Sammi and Ronnie were together…there was so much that could go wrong. And it’s not even that I wanted it to go wrong, I just assumed that it would. But nope. It was an uneventful season. Honestly I see why they’re ending it, because at this point it was almost like watching adults live their actual lives. Sure, they get a little too drunk on occasion (or on many occasions), but no roommates fought this year…like at all. In fact, Snooki and Mike actually made up. There was no peeing outside, which I’d grown so fond of. There wasn’t even a Ron and Sam fight until the very last episode, and they actually apologized too each other and were able to communicate about it! What the eff? Even Vinny and Pauly barely brought home any girls. I think Vinny might’ve even almost maintained his celibacy! What a letdown, right? Mike and Snooki stayed sober, which is great for them, but bad for television. Sure, Deena got arrested, but she’s still safe and comfortable in her relationship, so no harm done.

So as this year and this phenomenon both draw to a close, I want to say thank you to you, Paula Pickard. If it wasn’t for you, there would’ve been no show to watch this year. You were dating Mike and then you weren’t and then you loved him and then you didn’t…you’re a crazy bitch and I don’t understand the choices you make, but thanks to you, we could send out Jersey Shore in traditional hot-mess style. Thanks for being you, you butt pad wearing, shocker-throwing, tea-bagging son of a bitch.

(Image: wetpaint)

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  • Ronny’s fitness coach

    What a let down it didn’t get jizzed on?…. Wanna go out some time?