• Thu, Dec 20 2012

On The Road Is Worse Than A Family Road Trip

On the road kristen stewartI’ve never felt more antsy than I did during my On The Road screening. The movie dragged on forever and ever and ever — and unlike my own personal on-the-road family road trips, there was no midway stop at a Cracker Barrel. Nope the movie carried on for approximately 400 agonizing hours without one measly restroom break.

Here’s the problem with this movie. Everyone’s insufferable. And senseless. And way too eager to hop in a vehicle and travel cross-country. From what I hear, the book by Jack Kerouac’s just brilliant, amazing and inspiring. But that’s because he’s an excellent writer, not because anyone wants to hear the minute details about someone’s road trip. Each and every single time those actors got back in the car, my stomach sank with dread. Oh no, not again. I can’t do it again.

If you’ve ever taken a family road trip you know how horrible they always end up being. Sure at first it’s all fun and games. There are snacks and magazines and music mixes and everything you think could keep you satisfied for a few hours. Then your sister gets car sick as you back out of the driveway and starts yelling “roll down the windows” with the same urgency as someone having a heart attack. Then you remember that road trips actually aren’t fun. Nope, not fun at all.

Within the first ten minutes there are three fights. One is about leg room, one is about the music and one is about a Thanksgiving incident that occurred in 1997. These three fights will occur again and again and again throughout the next few hours. At some point you will punch your adult sister in the leg for daring to fall asleep on your part of the seat. Then at another point your brother will unwrap a vile-smelling snack. Finally your mother will start crying because she thought we were all adults now. Jokes on her. Nothing Benjamin-Buttons my family faster than spending time together in a moving vehicle. Sorry I’m not sorry for needing to physically reinforce my need for personal space.

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