The Best And Worst Of Dexter: ‘Surprise Motherfucker,’ Indeed

laguerta

As Deb Morgan might say, holy fucking shitballs. I had to watch about 100 comical spider videos just to fall asleep last night after watching Dexter‘s insane season finale. (Spiders are the new cats.) While last season’s ciff hanger was nice and annoying, they didn’t really do that to us this season, for which I think I am grateful. On the other hand…holy shit. I feel bad even continuing to use this point system because it was such a good episode. But I will try.

Am I the only one who wishes Dexter and Hannah could make it work? “Because she was trying to keep us apart” sounds like a good reason to try to kill Deb to me. Deb had soooo many chances to not be a stupid asshole about this. +1

“I would never do that to you.” And just like that, Hannah has the moral high ground. Honor among thieves! +3

The old Argentina speech is a dead giveaway that things will not go well for Hannah. -1 because H should know by now that her Argentina exists mainly in her mind. What do they think Argentina is like, anyway? A magical land where murderers roam free? It’s an easy mistake to make considering all the Nazis who went there, but I don’t think that’s allowed anymore? -1

It is SO HOT when Hannah bites Dexter. Hot and sad and crazy and dangerous and all the good qualities that made us fall in love with her in the first place. +1

“I’m gonna nail you to the wall…TO THE WALL.” Laguerta, you stupid bitch. You are right about our anti-hero, but I have never wanted you more dead. +2

“Surprise, motherfucker.” For a split second I thought Doakes was still alive, but it’s just a flashback. Shame on them for tricking us this way with the title and the previews. -1

“All it cost her was her career.” STFU Deb, you do not care about Laguerta’s career. He found a way out of this jam for you and him that does not involve killing someone and that’s all you can think of to say? -1

“You like this blood shit a little too much.” Oh, Doakes. You were too good a cop to live. +1

Why is Lieutenant Deb taunting an inmate within earshot of anyone? Oh, now you want “a minute” with her? I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed. -1

“Is the law just something you make up as you go along?” Once again, Hannah speaks the truth. +2

Everyone is being way nicer to Laguerta than one should be to someone who just tried to frame one’s friend for murder. -1

EPIC FAKE OUT on the power dynamics in the Deb/Laguerta meeting. Maria will not be smoted! +2

I like the child-powered trap Dexter has constructed for Estrada, but Dex is getting cocky if he thinks those children aren’t capable of tattling that he paid them to hit Estrada with a baseball and make him chase them right before he was murdered. -1

Dexter thinks he can handle the DVD? HOW?! (no points off because I’m sure he would’ve figured it out.)

Can we talk about Hannah for a second? Are we to believe she has a specially marked stash of the “fake your own death” drug from Romeo and Juliet just so she can have someone slip it to her in a court room in cases like these? +1 because Hannah is pretty and smart. But -1 because I’ve seen “I Almost Got Away With It” and this pretty much never works.

Aw, Dexter has to kill Laguerta because his fake life isn’t fake to him anymore. He has finally become a real boy! +2

OH GOD, THE DONUTS. Nice jump cut, guys. +2

“Never jump the fence if you’re not willing to face what’s on the other side.” Way to not be careful around the cop who is onto you, Dex. -1

“You glide like a lizard on ice.” I think “lizards on ice” sounds like a nice way to change it up this holiday season. +1

WHY WOULD ESTRADA BE ABLE TO MAKE A PHONE CALL FROM THE KILLING TABLE? There are no phone calls on the killing table. She should know serial killers better than this. -1

“You think I’m a killer and not a liar?” Psych, gonna kill ya anyway! I love it when Dex gets sassy. +1

Estrada killed Dexter’s mom for “the normal reasons,” as if it is ever normal to kill someone. But this sets up what happens next. (no points)

“I hear you, bro.” Oh, Estrada. You cannot get out of this. -1

“I’m just a creep motherfucker.” Do it, Dex! Embrace WHAT YOU ARE. +3

“If you don’t show me respect, I will fuck you up and serve your balls in a shot glass.” That’s definitely the hottest thing you’ve ever said, but from one Jamie to another, you might want to re-evaluate your taste in men. -1

They never show us Masuka dressed up as the New Year’s baby. Boooo. -1

Dexter had such a good plan to kill Laguerta and Estrada, and then Deb had to get all fucking nosy. -1 because DEB RUINS EVERYTHING.

“Do what you gotta do.” Nice appropriation of Hannah’s words for a totally different situation. +2

OMG, Deb shot Laguerta! I’d have more thoughts on this, but I couldn’t hear them over the sounds of Jennifer Carpenter‘s hysterical “acting.” -1

If Deb was going to choose her brother and herself over Laguerta/being a good person, could she have just let Dexter do his impeccable thing? How is it going to look now? -1

Aren’t people going to notice that Deb, Dexter and Laguerta were missing from the party the same night that Laguerta was killed?? (no points because we don’t know yet.)

WTF is Hannah going to do now? Dexter is going to have to kill her to protect Deb and that will be lame and sad! -1

TOTAL: +7

It’s a testament to the show’s writing how thoroughly I’m on Dexter’s side at this point, mainly because he’s so much more interesting than anyone else around him. Deb are Laguerta are both technically “good,” but that doesn’t stop me from wanting them to die or just stop ruining everything so that our antihero can be happy. Granted, Deb is really dumb and annoying and Laguerta is an ambitious monster who only cares about herself and her career, but still. R.I.P. Maria.

As for poison Hannah, I like her because she seems like Dexter’s best shot at romantic happiness, but if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t be in this mess, so I am kind of annoyed at her, too. Will Dexter and Hannah reunite? Will his plot to cover up the murders work? Is this definitely curtains for Maria? (Probably!) I can’t wait to see what happens in the show’s eighth and final season.

Share This Post:
    • sam

      im so glad la guerta is dead. finally!

    • Dimebag

      I think the title of the show was a nod to Deb’s final act of love for Dexter.

      • jamiepeck

        Oh, good call.

    • Amy

      This is my favourite Crushable feature and it is a hilarious format for tv reviews. Please please find more shows to do this for. Trueblood maybe?

    • jane

      amen to that! I watched the scene where laguerta dies over and over. She was so annoying from the very beginning of the show. I just wanted her dead as soon as she made an appearance. So I’m so happy for that. I really wish she could’ve taken fucking debra with her and in some way.. them two dying would bring back Isaak Sirko. He was the best character to ever be on the show. ever.

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