There are a lot of lists floating around this time of year. Best movies, best music, best celebrities, best outfits, best hit-and-runs performed by former child stars etc. And we see the same names mentioned on these lists over and over and over again. We get it. Frank Ocean put out a groundbreaking album, Jennifer Lawrence shined in her role in Silver Linings Playbook, Grant Bowler kept a straight face during the shooting of Liz & Dick. But what about all the celebrities who also did wonderful work this year but won’t get recognized by any year end list?
Celebrities like Jessica Simpson who gave birth after the longest gestation period in recorded history. Or the third Hemsworth brother who never gets credit for having two very good-looking brothers. These are people who deserve our accolades too. And that’s why today we’re introducing the first ever Crushable Celebrity Pity List — celebrating everyone who’s done something this year that didn’t result in them getting arrested.
In a place as twisted as Hollywood, that’s an impressive achievement in itself.
Guys, Ke$ha wrote a book this year. This is phenomenal news. Not only does this point to her possibly being able to write, but it’s also a sign she’s maybe also able to read. Tik-tok indeed Ke$ha, tik-tok indeed.
May you publicly pee in the streets even more times in 2013!
2. Hilary Duff
Not only does Hilary Duff’s mere existence fulfill our constant need for childhood nostalgia, but she gave birth to the cutest child this year. Seriously I could eat little Luca Comrie up, and I don’t even like that expression. In fact, I’ll go as far to bet my bottom dollar that he’ll be baby modeling faster than his Auntie Haylie Duff can get another Lifetime movie gig.
3. The Cast of Breaking Amish
These five crazy kids (grown adults) fucking broke Amish this year. Do you know how hard it is to leave your family behind and star on a reality show that will inevitably reveal all your darkest secrets. Throughout the series run, we learned a valuable lesson about family, paternity testing and why you should delete your Facebook before starring on a reality show.
4. Charlie Sheen
Never did I ever think I’d put him on a list celebrating the best this country has to offer. But here he is, clocking in at number four. Mostly because he’s trying to help out other crazy people before they end up turning into him. Namely Lindsay Lohan. The star-who-is-somehow-still-starring-on-a-tv-show loaned the broke actress money to repay her debt.
Sure this wasn’t a sound financial decision, but I kinda like the idea of Charlie Sheen running a rogue charity for troubled starlets. Takes one to know one, eh?