Last night, American Horror Story found me in a position of vulnerability. I had a fever, I watched it right before bed and yes, I’ll admit it gave me some very sweaty nightmares, which it obviously had been wanting to do very badly since I first started mocking it on the internet. But as with most of life’s horrors, I have no choice but to continue laughing, lest I start to cry.
1. You know from the first second Dylan McDermott walks in that door that he is Bloodyface’s unholy progeny and that lady psychiatrist is toast. There should really be a panic button shrinks can push when they realize they’ve got an active murderer in their offices.
2. Sister Jude is getting framed for the Christmas killer’s crimes and committed to that institution of horror! Do we feel bad for her, or is this poetic justice? I am leaning towards justice.
3. The way Ian McShane says “I forgive you” knowing full well he just tried to rape and murder Sister Jude like two hours ago is bitchier than the meanest mean girl from Mean Girls.
4. “And therein lies the journey to true redemption, I hope for both of you.” No offense to Monsegnor Fiennes, but I’m pretty sure saying this is the fastest way to get ironically murdered by Santa.
5. Lana gave herself a coat hanger abobo and “it wasn’t that bad.” See, liberals? That is a fine way to do abortions! Except…we know that it lived and grew up to be a murderer, so maybe they are that bad, after all.
6. Taunting Lana about her unwanted rape pregnancy and how she’s going to be forced to carry it to term is probably the evilest thing Sister Mary Demon has done so far. I knew they cast someone who looks like Ann Coulter for a reason.
7. I know Bloodyface Junior is a murderer and we don’t like him, but damn, does he look hot covered in that shrink lady’s blood.
8. Lana: ”What did they do to you?”
Jude: “Nothing I didn’t do to you. Give me a cigarette.”
I’d completely forgotten she’d blackmailed Wendy into signing Lana’s life away. She kind of really does deserve it, huh?
9. OMG, Jude smashed the record designed to keep them all insane! What will she do next, lead a prisoners’ rebellion?
10. Why does Dr. Nazi draw a careful X on Kit‘s chest if he’s just going to stab him like that?
11. Sometimes the aliens sound like dubstep. This time they sounded like Black Dice. What will they sound like next, The Arcade Fire?
12. Sure, the Monsegnor had a hypocritical lust for power, but he was also one of the only pure Christians in this unholy place. Let us take a moment to remember his sensual appearances in fantasy sequences and comely Fiennes eyebrows.