• Thu, Dec 13 2012

Taylor Swift Turns 23 Today, But It’s Unlikely Abigail Got The Invite To Her Party

But you’re in love and you pretend not to notice that she’s being a heinous bitch. Until the worst happens. In an attempt to upstage your love affair, Abigail ”gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.” At first she’s all like “I had sex and you didn’t” and you think it’s such a typical thing for her to do.

But then you both cry because her life’s over and no one will ever want her now and she’s destined to die a spinster. A catless spinster since it’s highly unlikely that even an animal shelter will let a loose woman adopt a cat.

And as much as you liked her that first day in class, you just can’t stand to be around her now. Sometimes you just look at her and get the chills thinking about how much gonorrhea she must have floating around her body.  So by the time freshman year ends, you aren’t talking and by the time high school wraps up, you don’t even know if she still attends the school.

Then, years later you’re you’re throwing a tea party in honor of your 23rd birthday and your security guard approaches you. “Not now Raymond,” you say as spot your boyfriend Harry Styles dry humping your make-up artist in the corner, “we’re just about to go around the table and say which Care Bear we most identify with now that we’re approaching marrying age.”

But Raymond points to the door. “What Raymond!” you say, growing impatient with his wordless dramatics. As you prepare to fire him for interrupting your special day (and not keeping Harry under control), you spot a red curl peering around the door. “Abigail,” you whisper in disbelief, “Abigail, is that you?”

She steps in, wearing nothing but tattered rags and sin. “Hi Taylor,” she says as if it no time has passed, “I just thought that maybe, I would, I don’t know, stop by, and say, well say, happy birthday.”

You eye her cautiously, completely aware that all your real friends are now starring at this girl, this creature standing at the door, acting as if she hadn’t given everything to a boy who changed his mind. Sure you could invite her in, offer her cake, ask her how’s she doing. But that’s kinda like rewarding her for having sex when she was only 15. And that wouldn’t be right. You stare at Raymond and give him the sign. He shuts the door in Abigail’s face.

You return to your party, tell everyone that you’ve never seen her before in your life and then turn to Emma Stone and squeal ”oh do try the Petit Fours, they’re so wonderful. Especially the glitter filling!”

Abigail waits for a moment outside the door, thinking that maybe you didn’t recognize her. Then she catches a glimpse of herself in a puddle of sewage and notices that her shame’s on full display. Oh if only she hadn’t had sex. Everything would be so different, so very, very different. She stumbles away, leaving nothing but a lone strand of red hair floating in the puddle.

(Photo: Hall/Pena, PacificCoastNews.com)

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  • jamiepeck

    I cried.

    • Jenni

      Because Abigail made so many horrid decisions?

  • Not a parent. MockMyInsights.

    I realize this is supposed to be satirical (and it’s hilarious don’t get me wrong) but you’re forgetting about the line after the “gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind”

    “We both cried”

    Also, to be fair, this girl popped up in music videos, concerts, and I think an award show or two until she you know graduated college and probably got a job that doesn’t allow for such shenanigans. :)

    • Jenni

      I do mention it! But a more roundabout way…”But then you both cry because her life’s over and no one will ever want her now and she’s destined to die a spinster.”

      It is good to hear though that Abigail did make it out of high school okay!

    • Not a parent. MockMyInsights.

      Yup! You can see her in the music video “Picture to burn” and I think “Fifteen” too.

  • Chelsea

    How vivd and tragic.

  • Jasmine

    WTF did I just read? Did this really happen?

    • Jenni

      It’s ripped from the headlines!

  • Gypsum

    I don’t have twitter but can someone please tweet this to Taylor. Is that even possible? I’m behind in the times but this was really entertaining. Please do all of her songs.

  • Shedey

    Abigail was on Ellen a year or so ago with Taylor

  • Janellie Mesa

    Ummmm, to bad that in an interview Abigail went on to say that Taylor asked her permission to write that about her because she thought it would serve as an example to Taylor’s young listeners. Sorry, this article is really dumb.

    • Ellie

      This is probably a sarcastic article…

  • kcf

    pretty sure this ISNT true. Taylor wouldn’t do that.

  • Shannon

    This reads like bad fanfiction. Yawn.

  • Alex Dumpfree

    I realize u r so cute and beautiful teenager girl.Please do to ensure all of her songs.okay all of guys bye….

  • pestkaj

    In a Rolling Stones interview earlier this year they mentioned Abagail was still her friend and that Taylor had a recent picture of the two of them in her home. I would think even just the most basic of research on his topic would have served you well as a journalist…

  • Laurie

    ”You return to your party, tell everyone that you’ve never seen her before in your life and then turn to Emma Stone and squeal ”oh do try the Petit Fours, they’re so wonderful. Especially the glitter filling!”Haha this part made me laugh a lot.Well done!

  • juliazoe4

    Aww! How cute! Happy Birthday Taylor! I got the same thing for my 19th birthday! It was lovely! I really like this.
    http://koboom.weebly.com/1/post/2012/12/december-14th-2012.html

  • ladywarrior6

    This article is the DUMBEST thing I have ever read on the Internet. That’s not what the song was saying at all! Literally, if you had done ANY research or seen one interview about “Fifteen”, you wouldn’t have written this article.

  • kflasjflasfjl

    what the hell is wrong with whoever wrote this?!

  • claudiacia

    rubishhhh…

  • Swifty1234

    This is not true! She said Abigail is like a big cheerleader for her. They are still friends. This is bad journalism

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  • Dissapointed

    okay as from now i hate this site. “whorish”?! Asshole get a life instead being in front of a computer. Pathetic! GO AWAY AND DIE OR SOMETHING!

    • Jenni

      Okay Dissapointed, I like where your head is at because I also hate this site. However I’m struggling with “die or something” because die is very specific and something is not. Do you mean it along the lines of “die or chop off your arms” or “die or get an ice cream cone with two of your favorite flavors because it’s hot outside and you deserve it!”

      Let me know so I can take action asap.