• Thu, Dec 13 2012

Taylor Swift Turns 23 Today, But It’s Unlikely Abigail Got The Invite To Her Party

Taylor Swift Coat HatToday Taylor Swift turns 23-years-old. Which makes sense, because she’s as mature as any other 23-year-old…who got trapped in a 13-year-old girl’s diary indefinitely and must constantly sing about heartbreak until someone sets her free. Or maybe I’m confusing her life with an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark. I do that a lot, so please, forgive me if that’s what happened.

But on the slight chance that does turn out out to be the situation we’re dealing with, I went back through all of her songs and reread all her lyrics for clues on how to free her. While I didn’t find any insight into saving her from herself, I did come across a lot of references to people in her songs that we never heard about again.

People that I honestly completely forgot existed. Like the cheer captain who wears short skirts and the actress who’s not a saint and not what you think. These are people who defined so many of my early karaoke performances — and yet, we never really pay tribute to them appropriately. It’s all John Mayer this and Joe Jonas that. And you know what ladies, that’s not right.

So today, in honor of Taylor Swift turning 23, I thought we could talk about Abigail. Little red-headed Abigail who befriended Taylor Swift on the first day of school when no one else would talk to her — and then tried to corrupt her from the inside out with her horrible slutty ways. Mostly because Taylor Swift insisted on always wearing t-shirts.

We initially met Abigail in the classic Taylor Swift song “Fifteen.” It’s one of those songs that you sang approximately 500 times before realizing that the message may not be in align with your beliefs. Realizing that didn’t necessarily stop you from listening to it, but it definitely made you question how much your 15th year really had in common with Taylor Swift’s 15th year — as well as what happened to Abigail. Poor, poor whorish Abigail.

So let’s set the scene for meeting her. You’re 15, it’s your first day of high school, you just took a deep breath, walked in through the front doors and you do some basic math and realize that you’re going to be in high school for four years.  ”You sit in class next to a redheaded Abigail, and soon enough you’re best friends, laughing at the other girls who think they’re so cool.”

It’s evident right away that Abigail’s not only a redhead (which foreshadows so much!), but also an uncontrollable gossip. Within minutes of sitting down next to her, she’s forcing you to laugh at all the other girls who think they’re cool. And seriously, they actually are pretty cool. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that they’re probably future cheer captain material. But you know Abigail  she’s always a glass half-empty, completely-cracked kinda girl. Or what your mama would call, “a horrible influence who’s hair color doesn’t coincidentally match the color of the devil’s outfit.”

However she’s your only friend and she qualifies as a charity case who needs your help, so you make do. That is until you fall in love with a football player. EEEEE! OMG!!!! FOOT-BALL PLAY-ER! It’s like Heaven relocated into high school and God personally invited you into his heart. After one date, you’re on top of the world. Right away you call Abigail and tell her that he’s the one you want to marry and play the just the tips (of your tongues) with from now until the end of time. However Abigail acts totally weird about you falling in love. She says she’s happy for you, but you can tell she’s not. She’s not at all! She’s never happy for you.

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  • jamiepeck

    I cried.

    • Jenni

      Because Abigail made so many horrid decisions?

  • Not a parent. MockMyInsights.

    I realize this is supposed to be satirical (and it’s hilarious don’t get me wrong) but you’re forgetting about the line after the “gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind”

    “We both cried”

    Also, to be fair, this girl popped up in music videos, concerts, and I think an award show or two until she you know graduated college and probably got a job that doesn’t allow for such shenanigans. :)

    • Jenni

      I do mention it! But a more roundabout way…”But then you both cry because her life’s over and no one will ever want her now and she’s destined to die a spinster.”

      It is good to hear though that Abigail did make it out of high school okay!

    • Not a parent. MockMyInsights.

      Yup! You can see her in the music video “Picture to burn” and I think “Fifteen” too.

  • Chelsea

    How vivd and tragic.

  • Jasmine

    WTF did I just read? Did this really happen?

    • Jenni

      It’s ripped from the headlines!

  • Gypsum

    I don’t have twitter but can someone please tweet this to Taylor. Is that even possible? I’m behind in the times but this was really entertaining. Please do all of her songs.

  • Shedey

    Abigail was on Ellen a year or so ago with Taylor

  • Janellie Mesa

    Ummmm, to bad that in an interview Abigail went on to say that Taylor asked her permission to write that about her because she thought it would serve as an example to Taylor’s young listeners. Sorry, this article is really dumb.

    • Ellie

      This is probably a sarcastic article…

  • kcf

    pretty sure this ISNT true. Taylor wouldn’t do that.

  • Shannon

    This reads like bad fanfiction. Yawn.

  • Alex Dumpfree

    I realize u r so cute and beautiful teenager girl.Please do to ensure all of her songs.okay all of guys bye….

  • pestkaj

    In a Rolling Stones interview earlier this year they mentioned Abagail was still her friend and that Taylor had a recent picture of the two of them in her home. I would think even just the most basic of research on his topic would have served you well as a journalist…

  • Laurie

    ”You return to your party, tell everyone that you’ve never seen her before in your life and then turn to Emma Stone and squeal ”oh do try the Petit Fours, they’re so wonderful. Especially the glitter filling!”Haha this part made me laugh a lot.Well done!

  • juliazoe4

    Aww! How cute! Happy Birthday Taylor! I got the same thing for my 19th birthday! It was lovely! I really like this.
    http://koboom.weebly.com/1/post/2012/12/december-14th-2012.html

  • ladywarrior6

    This article is the DUMBEST thing I have ever read on the Internet. That’s not what the song was saying at all! Literally, if you had done ANY research or seen one interview about “Fifteen”, you wouldn’t have written this article.

  • kflasjflasfjl

    what the hell is wrong with whoever wrote this?!

  • claudiacia

    rubishhhh…

  • Swifty1234

    This is not true! She said Abigail is like a big cheerleader for her. They are still friends. This is bad journalism

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  • Dissapointed

    okay as from now i hate this site. “whorish”?! Asshole get a life instead being in front of a computer. Pathetic! GO AWAY AND DIE OR SOMETHING!

    • Jenni

      Okay Dissapointed, I like where your head is at because I also hate this site. However I’m struggling with “die or something” because die is very specific and something is not. Do you mean it along the lines of “die or chop off your arms” or “die or get an ice cream cone with two of your favorite flavors because it’s hot outside and you deserve it!”

      Let me know so I can take action asap.