Today Taylor Swift turns 23-years-old. Which makes sense, because she’s as mature as any other 23-year-old…who got trapped in a 13-year-old girl’s diary indefinitely and must constantly sing about heartbreak until someone sets her free. Or maybe I’m confusing her life with an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark. I do that a lot, so please, forgive me if that’s what happened.
But on the slight chance that does turn out out to be the situation we’re dealing with, I went back through all of her songs and reread all her lyrics for clues on how to free her. While I didn’t find any insight into saving her from herself, I did come across a lot of references to people in her songs that we never heard about again.
People that I honestly completely forgot existed. Like the cheer captain who wears short skirts and the actress who’s not a saint and not what you think. These are people who defined so many of my early karaoke performances — and yet, we never really pay tribute to them appropriately. It’s all John Mayer this and Joe Jonas that. And you know what ladies, that’s not right.
So today, in honor of Taylor Swift turning 23, I thought we could talk about Abigail. Little red-headed Abigail who befriended Taylor Swift on the first day of school when no one else would talk to her — and then tried to corrupt her from the inside out with her horrible slutty ways. Mostly because Taylor Swift insisted on always wearing t-shirts.
We initially met Abigail in the classic Taylor Swift song “Fifteen.” It’s one of those songs that you sang approximately 500 times before realizing that the message may not be in align with your beliefs. Realizing that didn’t necessarily stop you from listening to it, but it definitely made you question how much your 15th year really had in common with Taylor Swift’s 15th year — as well as what happened to Abigail. Poor, poor whorish Abigail.
So let’s set the scene for meeting her. You’re 15, it’s your first day of high school, you just took a deep breath, walked in through the front doors and you do some basic math and realize that you’re going to be in high school for four years. ”You sit in class next to a redheaded Abigail, and soon enough you’re best friends, laughing at the other girls who think they’re so cool.”
It’s evident right away that Abigail’s not only a redhead (which foreshadows so much!), but also an uncontrollable gossip. Within minutes of sitting down next to her, she’s forcing you to laugh at all the other girls who think they’re cool. And seriously, they actually are pretty cool. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that they’re probably future cheer captain material. But you know Abigail she’s always a glass half-empty, completely-cracked kinda girl. Or what your mama would call, “a horrible influence who’s hair color doesn’t coincidentally match the color of the devil’s outfit.”
However she’s your only friend and she qualifies as a charity case who needs your help, so you make do. That is until you fall in love with a football player. EEEEE! OMG!!!! FOOT-BALL PLAY-ER! It’s like Heaven relocated into high school and God personally invited you into his heart. After one date, you’re on top of the world. Right away you call Abigail and tell her that he’s the one you want to marry and play the just the tips (of your tongues) with from now until the end of time. However Abigail acts totally weird about you falling in love. She says she’s happy for you, but you can tell she’s not. She’s not at all! She’s never happy for you.