Haven’t you learned your lesson yet, Kanye West? You just loooove to steal the spotlight. If you aren’t taking the microphone from Taylor Swift while she’s giving her acceptance speech, you’re wearing a goddamn skirt to the 12/12/12 concert to last night.
Listen, you’re welcome to wear whatever you want, Weezykins. I’m not one of those people who says men can’t wear skirts just because they never ever do. Skirts are comfortable; they let your legs flail around in really sexy ways that tight, constraining pants don’t. Who am I to judge your wacky choices? I’m not the boss of you.
But you have to know that there are gonna be some repercussions. That concert last night was for Hurricane Sandy. (Well, specifically for her victims, but she doesn’t know that!) It was essentially Sandy’s last big hurrah before she goes out of the public eye for a while, and you stole her thunder (literally) by showing up in a man-dress. And now look at the headlines! They’re filled with ‘Kanye Wears Skirt To Concert’…nowhere do you see a single ‘Nation Forgives Hurricane Sandy After Tasteful Concert’ or ‘Sandy Gets Drunk And Hooks Up With Tropical Storm Paul McCartney’. It’s like she wasn’t even there. At her own concert.
Think about it, Kanye. She’s coming for you, now. She won’t be back, obviously, but you don’t think all those hurricanes know each other? You don’t think they’re friends? Because they are. They all hang out down there in Cuba, drinking mojitos and telling old stories of people who scorned them. And then periodically one of them gets so drunk and angry that he or she goes careening up the coast and wreaks havoc. Now…do you really think your name isn’t gonna come up in those discussions, Kanye? Because it will. IT WILL. Sandy’s gonna be throwing back highballs like, “So I was at my coming-out party, all dolled-up like a debutante and getting ready to give my speech, and in pranced this little man in a dress going, ‘Yo, Hurricane Sandy, I’m happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but I have one of the leatheriest skirts of all time. ALL TIME.’”
You’ve doomed us all, Kanye. Curse you and your foolish, foolish pride.