• Wed, Dec 12 2012

The Best Part Of Amish Mafia Is When They Tell You That It’s Based On Amish Legend

I figured I would die After Breaking Amish ended. If I couldn’t get my weekly dose of Amish Dramish (I just made that phrase up, thoughts?), I didn’t really see a point in continuing to live. Especially since Abe made it clear that he would never, ever admit that he fathered Rebecca’s baby.

Then Amish Mafia premiered and I felt all the stars in Lancaster County aligning. “There is a god,” I thought to myself as I confirmed on Google that the Amish community doesn’t like being photographed and videotaped, “and that God is determined to continue profiling Amish characters who we’re destined to hate. Hallelujah and amen!”

Like a NYC club created from a nightmare Stefon once had, this show has everything a TV enthusiast could want: suspenders, Mennonite men living among the Amish, guns, buggy crashes, scandalous affairs and a shady barn where  business goes down.

Oh, also a disclaimer that some of the scenes may be reenacted FOR THE SAFETY OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED  And not because they were never enacted in the first place. They’re all about safety on this show.

Lebanon Levi, someone who clearly spent his Rumspringa years watching The Godfather on repeat runs this Amish Mafia. Even thought he’s not technically Amish. You see he was raised Amish, but never got baptized. This means the church can’t tell him what to do. It also means we’re back in Breaking Amish territory — you know the territory where they say people are Amish even when they’re really, kinda, sorta not Amish anymore.

Also like our fine friends on Breaking Amish, Lebanon Levi has an arrest record. Classic Amish Reality Television star move.

Lebanon Levi also believes himself to be starring in some kind of mafia movie franchise. While I’m sure he’s trying to channel Casino, I fear that he’s coming across more like the men who tried to kill Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. And by that I mean, totally unconvincing.

Nevertheless, he has three loyal men who do his bidding: Alvin, John and Jolin. While Jolin’s settled in nicely as  Levi’s evil henchman, John’s secretly trying to get his job, you know, because it’s rightfully his. Although I’m not really sure how that works in the Amish Mafia. Is there an HR department to contact? Maybe someone on Linkedin to help? I don’t know.

I do know that this show conveniently mentions that the church refuses to acknowledge the existence of the Amish Mafia — but definitely knows they’re around and definitely wants them to do all their dirty work. But that’s why no one can confirm that they’re a real thing and not just made up for the sake of a TV show.

Even though the Amish Mafia seems way too good to be true. Before the first episode ends we see them shoot up a guy’s car for running into someone’s buggy AND bust an elder church member for sleeping with prostitutes. Oh I’m sorry, they didn’t just bust him, they blackmailed him. For what, we don’t know. They wouldn’t let cameras inside during the negotiations.

But just trust them that it went well, especially since they told us during the series premiere that they’re simply doing God’s work. Because if you look at the second to last page of the bible, you can see “make sure your secret mafia is in working order” in fine print.

Keep up the good work men! (In secret, of course.)

From Our Partners

Share This Post:
  • Shelly

    FYI. The guy they went to talk to with the white car, that is Jeremiah from Breaking Amish with his face blurred out. You’ll also recognize that trailer from the breaking Amish series. They apparently tapped the same actors. This is as “real” as the whole breaking Amish thing. Complete BS.

    • Jenni

      Serious question: how do you know this?

    • Shelly

      I watched some of the Breaking Amish (thinking it was real at first). In a couple of episodes they showed this very identifiable trailer. That was my first clue. Second, I thought about whether the show was using the same actors and the more I looked at the body language of the person (whose face was blurred) the more it looked very much like Jeremiah from the show. This is all verifiable stuff.

    • Jenni

      I’m rewatching now and I think you might be right! But I can’t tell 100%.

    • Vada

      I still had it on my Dvr… almost kind of sounds like him but a little deeper the mystery man looks to have shaved red hair.

    • John

      What I noticed about that was that the damaged buggy wheel was on the front left side. The damage to the car was on the front left side. This supposedly occured as the car passed her. It’s not possible.

    • reality1

      i caught that as well…. a joke. Looks like Discovery is leaning towards MTV going forward

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000985534082 Elizabeth Aspen

    I live out here in Lancaster County and while I personally cannot stand the Amish/Mennonites – TRUST me, these are hardly “gentle people”. They treat women and animals like filth, and when Rumspringa comes around, the local cab drivers make out like bandits shuttling the young Amish girls to the “secret doctor” for their abortions. Plus, everyone in Philly knows that the Amish sell more than just shoo-fly pie at Reading Terminal Market, IF ya get my drift. However, I will say that they keep some of the most beautiful farmland in the country, and aside from the 2006 schoolhouse shooting and ol’ Lebanon Levi administering the kind of justice South Philly mobsters would laugh their a$$es off at, this area is relatively crime-free.

    • Shelly

      When I went to Indiana, one of the things that caught me off guard was that the best weed to be found was grown by the Amish. It was just a comment a local made in passing until I asked them about it. Apparently it was common knowledge. Outside of that, I heard about the same. They adhere to a different and more antiquated moral code but outside of that they aren’t bad people necessarily.

  • Sydney Marshall

    I’m sorry but this just looks so…wierd. For a group of people who shun technology and things such as weapons, how can they be casual and open to being on tv when they aren’t supposed to like it? I’m not saying it’s stupid at all. I’m just saying it’s very wierd…

    • Jenni

      It’s VERY weird. And luckily for the “Amish Mafia” the Amish community will never go on camera confirming or denying their existence.

  • just is

    if that guy shot my truck he would be in the cornfield in the morning

  • just is

    Extortion, robbery, beating, that Levi is a piece of work, wanna be mobster

  • reality 1

    what a bunch of clowns. Looks like 3 little skinny guys doin what the fat guy says. Hippocrates like I’ve never seen.That John is a real genius

  • Scott

    Amish, and Mennonites are good people unlike the Welfare Moocher’s of American Society. This show is a JOKE. Amish live in their Communal Society, and Mennonites live in the real world but still are Peaceful human being’s. I have dealt with both societies heavily armed as a Armored Semi Driver doing what needed to be done for their safety. These fool’s wouldn’t have lasted 1second approaching my team. L Co enjoyed seeing us. Only time they would come shake my hand, and speak to us.

  • AmishBS

    Lunchmeat Levi is a fat ass coward!

  • http://www.facebook.com/eric.baca.756 Eric Baca

    The Amish church doesn’t confirm the Amish Mafia’s existence
    because it doesn’t exist, lol. I have never seen such a ridiculous show. The
    fact that Levi thinks he is Amish when he clearly violates everything they
    represent is just oxymoronic. The only reason I watched the show was because I
    chanced across it and was trying to figure out if I was watching a comedy skit.
    I am lucky my DISH Hopper auto-records the big four networks during prime time
    with the PrimeTime Anytime feature because I would have hated missing X Factor because
    got I distracted by this “reality” TV show.

  • mtnbike2

    Esther..I want her body!