I figured I would die AfterÂ Breaking AmishÂ ended. If I couldn’t get my weekly dose of Amish Dramish (I just made that phrase up, thoughts?), I didn’t really see a point in continuing to live. Especially since Abe made it clear that he would never, ever admit that he fathered Rebecca’s baby.
ThenÂ Amish Mafia premiered and I felt all the stars in Lancaster County aligning. “There is a god,” I thought to myself as I confirmed on Google that the Amish community doesn’t like being photographed and videotaped, “and that God is determined to continue profiling Amish characters who we’re destined to hate. Hallelujah and amen!”
Like a NYC club created from a nightmare Stefon once had, this show has everything a TV enthusiast could want: suspenders, Mennonite men living among the Amish, guns, buggy crashes, scandalous affairs and a shady barn where Â business goes down.
Oh, also a disclaimer that some of the scenes may be reenacted FOR THE SAFETY OF THE PEOPLEÂ INVOLVEDÂ And notÂ becauseÂ they were never enacted in the first place. They’re all about safety on this show.
Lebanon Levi, someone who clearly spent his Rumspringa years watchingÂ The Godfather on repeat runs this Amish Mafia. Even thought he’s notÂ technicallyÂ Amish. You see he was raised Amish, but never got baptized. This means the church can’t tell him what to do. It also means we’re back inÂ Breaking AmishÂ territory — you know the territory where they say people are Amish even when they’re really, kinda, sorta not Amish anymore.
Also like our fine friends onÂ Breaking Amish, Lebanon Levi has an arrest record. Classic Amish Reality Television star move.
Lebanon Levi also believes himself to be starring in some kind of mafia movie franchise. While I’m sure he’s trying to channel Casino, I fear that he’s coming across more like the men who tried to kill Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. And by that I mean, totally unconvincing.
Nevertheless, he has three loyal men who do his bidding: Alvin, John and Jolin. While Jolin’s settled in nicely as Â Levi’s evil henchman, John’sÂ secretlyÂ trying to get his job, you know, because it’s rightfully his. AlthoughÂ I’m not really sure how that works in the Amish Mafia. Is there an HR department to contact? Maybe someone on Linkedin to help? I don’t know.
I do know that this show convenientlyÂ mentions that the church refuses to acknowledge the existence of the Amish Mafia — butÂ definitelyÂ knows they’re around andÂ definitelyÂ wants them to do all their dirty work. But that’s why no one can confirm that they’re a real thing and not just made up for the sake of a TV show.
Even though the Amish Mafia seems way too good to be true. Before the first episode ends we see them shoot up a guy’s car for running into someone’s buggy AND bust an elder church member for sleeping with prostitutes. Oh I’m sorry, they didn’t just bust him, they blackmailed him. For what, we don’t know. They wouldn’t let cameras inside during the negotiations.
But just trust them that it went well, especially since they told us during the series premiere that they’re simply doing God’s work. Because if you look at the second to last page of the bible, you can see “make sure your secret mafia is in working order” in fine print.
Keep up the good work men! (In secret, of course.)