Ugh. I don’t know why this creeps me out so badly. It’s not like he’s some obsessive stalker, I guess — he is married to her, after all, but come on, dude. He already confirmed to Howard that he and Mariah sometimes have sex to her songs, but that actually makes sense to me, because I’m sure Mariah insists on it, as weird as it is. I can imagine her having difficulties…ahem…getting there…if her own voice isn’t swelling around her, drowning out Nick’s hopeful bleats. But when Mariah isn’t around, Nick still turns to the next best thing to remind him of his lady love — specifically the song ‘Hero’, which is his favorite to whack to.
What the fuck, man? Why? No! I can’t stop picturing this and I hate it. When your wife goes out of town, that’s your chance to let your imagination go wild! Especially if your wife is Mariah Carey, who keeps your imagination under lock and key lest you begin to imagine that you’re in any way equal to the best-selling female recording artist of all time. She walks out the door, it’s time to let loose, buddy…not pop in her album and listen to her squeak and growl at you. Why don’t you sac up and masturbate to porn like everybody else?
And wait, yeah! That’s another thing! Who masturbates to songs?? Aren’t most men more visual? What’s sexy about a song? What is it about a melody that gets you in the mood? And most importantly, why why whyyyy are you comfortable making statements like this on a national radio station? Have you no shame? Do you want me to be imagining you splooging the lyrics ‘”There’s a hero if you look inside your heart / You don’t have to be afraid of what you are”? What a whackadoodle. It’s time to break this habit, Nick Cannon. You could at least watch Glitter or something next time, man. Grow a pair.
(Image: Curtis Sabir / WENN.com)