‘Tis The Season To Rank Movie Santas From Least Sexy To Most Sexy

I know what you’re thinking. ¬†Does Santa Claus really have sex appeal? ¬†A Santa Claus that isn’t Mr. December on a Chippendale’s calendar, anyway. ¬†Boy oh boy are you in for a real treat! ¬†I’ve covered all major movie Santas worth placing on this list. ¬†Grandfatherly Santas? ¬†Check. ¬†Santas lacking proper hygiene? ¬†You got it. ¬†Drunk Santa? ¬†Duh! ¬†Classic Kris Kringle? ¬†Of course.

This time of year is my favorite for two main reasons: 1.) Most of my favorite movies are holiday films: Christmas Vacation, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Home Alone, A Christmas Story, Elf… the list goes on. ¬†2.) December is the only month of the entire year I never run out of excuses to get my drink on sans judgement.

So kick back, enjoy some ‘nogg (or a glass of wine, Winter Lager, Mad Elf… you get the idea) and see if your favorite sexy Santa made the cut.

LEAST SEXY

Artie Lange, Elf


He had a bad beard and he smelled like beef and cheese. ¬†Buddy didn’t take the crap he was dishing out from his throne of lies, and we won’t take it either.
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Billy Bob Thornton, Bad Santa

Not the classiest Santa Claus around, Billy Bob Thornton definitely joins Artie Lange in the “Least Sexy” lineup.
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Ken Hudson Campbell, Home Alone

While I can appreciate anyone willing to dole out Tic Tacs to kids instead of letting them go empty-handed, the half-assed Home Alone Santa just doesn’t¬†do it for me.
(Photo: AvelyMan)

Tim Allen, The Santa Clause 3

 

Because this movie sucks.  Because sequels, especially multiple sequels, always suck.  The third installment of The Santa Clause is so not sexy.

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GETTING WARMER…

Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places


Okay, so he’s kind of gross. ¬†But he’s fallen on hard times, and any guy who can wrangle an entire smoked salmon into his Santa coat and enjoy it later on public transportation¬†is a good time in my book! ¬†Plus I have a thing for Dan Aykroyd. ¬†I know, I don’t get it either.
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Jeff Gillen, A Christmas Story

Football? ¬†What’s a football? ¬†Apparently it’s the only thing this cranky Santa was willing to hand out at Higbee’s. ¬†I’m pretty sure that if a mall Santa of the millenium pushed a kid down a slide boot-to-forehead he’d be arrested for child abuse, but it would still be hilarious.
(Photo: Tumblr)

Richard Attenborough, Miracle on 34th Street

 

While I am personally of the “Dylan McDermott Stole The Show And My Heart” sentiment for this film, Richard Attenborough is not to be overlooked. ¬†He could practically be nominated for sainthood in this movie, if there was some magical world where religion and folklore could meet in harmony.
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DRUMROLL PLEASE…

Tim Allen, The Santa Clause


Maybe it was the red silk pajamas. ¬†Maybe it’s the way he says “Santa fell off the ruff!” ¬†Maybe we have a thing for elves named Bernard and little boys with the bowliest of bowl cuts. ¬†Who knows? ¬†But the research shows that none other than Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor is the sexiest movie Santa! ¬†Never mess with the original, folks. ¬†Stick with what works.

(Photo: Tumblr)

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You can reach this post's author, Cassandra Hough, on twitter.
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    • http://thekimberlydiaries.com/ the kimberly diaries

      DUDE. what about the guy from desperately seeking santa on ABC family last year? http://abcfamily.go.com/movies/desperately-seeking-santa

      • Jenni

        Um, this was an oversight. Where would you rank him? Right before Tim Allen in Santa Clause 1?

      • http://thekimberlydiaries.com/ the kimberly diaries

        Yes, i have to say this santa takes the cake for me.

      • Cassandra Hough

        I’m so lame- I haven’t watched an ABC original movie in awhile. Good call!