• Tue, Dec 11 2012

It’s Cute That We’re Pretending Lindsay Lohan Might Actually Go To Jail For 8 Months

New reports are emerging that our favorite sloppy criminal Lindsay Lohan may actually do some serious jail time, in light of her most recent arrest for theft. Oh wait, that wasn’t the most recent one. For speeding. I mean driving drunk. I mean cocaine possession. I mean…wait, these are all outdated offenses that she’s never done any time for. What am I talking about? Oh right, her most recent arrest was for assault on that Tiffany Mitchell character. You remember her, the one she punched in that club for making moves on LiLo’s newest boytoy — Max George from The Wanted. So these new rumors of jail time must be stemming from that.

WRONG. Let me lay this out for you. Lindsay is due to be arraigned tomorrow based on charges of lying to police and reckless driving that she incurred last June in her car accident with the 18-wheeler. This was the one where she allegedly removed a bag from the car before it could be searched. So anyway, she’s due to appear in court tomorrow on those charges. HOWEVER. They’re saying it doesn’t really matter whether or not she’s proven guilty on those counts — the real issue is that at the time of her accident, Lindsay was still on probation for the alleged theft of that $2,500 necklace back in 2011. So that probation will definitely be revoked, and a date will be set to decide whether she also violated her probation by breaking the law again. If the judge decides she did, she could face up to 245 days in jail — about eight months, not including any time she would receive for the car accident situation, assuming she’s found guilty there as well.

But here’s the thing. This bitch isn’t going to jail. Does she deserve to? Yes. Will she? No way. Because look at the facts. I just got pretty deep into Lohan Crime History Month, and it is a dark place. I can’t even count how many times she’s been arrested, but each time she’s been released early, sometimes mere hours after booking. She’s violated her probation, missed court appointments, failed drug tests, skipped out on community service, and had so many lucky breaks that I’m starting to think she has a secret. I’m thinking this girl physically can’t be incarcerated. She either has a get-out-of-jail free card tattooed on the back of her neck where we can’t see it, or else her skin is so slippery that law enforcement can’t hold onto her. No one else I know could have a record including assault, possession, felony theft, reckless driving, and driving under the influence and not be sitting in a jail cell right now. Lindsay worked this year! She made Liz and Dick! The incomparable Liz and Dick! How is this woman working with the record that she has?

Bottom line, people have tried to arrest this woman multiple times. They’ve succeeded four times, and she’s been to jail six, although she’s served less than two weeks, grand total. She’s also been to rehab five times, and served 35 days in house arrest. And she’s still out and about punching ladies at clubs. That, ladies and gentlemen, is commitment to her craft. So I don’t know if you’re new here, judges and local law enforcement, but I will seriously be shocked if this girl does anywhere close to eight months. SHOCKED. God knows I’d love you to prove me wrong in this instance…but first you should invest in some grappling hooks, because The Slippery LiLo always gets away.

(Image: Adrianna M. Barazza / WENN.com)

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