Just when I found myself feeling ready to forgive the British for the Sugar Act of 1764, Prince William and Kate Middleton release a statement so offensive that I think we should launch a second revolution just to make a point. Can someone get Paul Revere’s publicist on line 2 stat, I think he just suddenly became relevant again.
As you may remember from the medical report you tattooed on your heart last week, Kate Middleton went to the hospital for her acute morning sickness. Then she escaped. And now she’s feeling so confident from her triumphant return to her castle that she’s releasing ridiculous statements about her health through People.
Seriously, brace yourself for what you’re about to read.
William was originally scheduled to attend the British Military Tournament at Earl’s Court in London on Sunday, but has canceled and will be spending the day “privately with the Duchess instead,” a spokesman for the couple, both 30, said in a statement to PEOPLE.
“It is well known that hyperemesis gravidarum often recurs and, until further notice, to allow the Duchess a degree of privacy during her pregnancy, we do not intend to offer regular condition checks or advise of routine developments associated with it,” the spokesman added.
I’m sorry, you don’t intend to do what?! Am I on crazy pills or am I really to assume that we won’t be getting daily updates on how Kate Middleton is feeling. Did they hit their heads, wake up and start thinking they’re normal people having a normal pregnancy.
This is the most important baby to ever be conceived in the history of conceptions. The fact this fetus hasn’t gotten hooked up to Twitter yet disgusts me. It’s downright appalling that that I can manage to livetweet every episode of every show ever aired, but this embryo can’t manage to let us know when it’s grown an appendage. It’s not like I’m asking this fetus (or fetal twins) to upload womb-decorating tips to their Pinterest. I just want constant updates on how it’s doing and what it’s thinking and if it wants to get brunch at some point in late 2013. Is that so much to ask for?
It’s 2012. Let’s get with it Royal Family. Privacy is for people with student loans and adult braces. It’s not for people who are (possibly) bringing the British spin-off to the Olsen Twins to earth. I want up-to-the-minute updates on this pregnancy and I want them yesterday.
(Photo: Optic Photos, PacificCoastNews.com)