Alright everyone. Enough with the controversy. Even though the promo for season two of HBO’s Girls has already been released and enjoyed by everyone who’s anyone, we’re going to have to call off the season because I just saw pictures of Lena Dunham making out with her boyfriend on a street corner, and it’s become clear to me that her life is going too well. See, when she first started the show, Lena lived at home with no boyfriend and a shitty haircut. She had made a couple well-received short films, but in general her life was a little stalled, ala Hannah Horvath, her broke, self-obsessed Girls character. To be honest, it was part of what let me enjoy the show as much as I did. I could relax during it. Let my hair down. You can’t really sit around on your couch in your ex-boyfriend’s shirt and no pants eating Nutella right out of the jar watching Sex and the City. Or, you can, you’ll just feel like shit afterward because Carrie’s hair always looks good and her dress costs more than your rent. But with Hannah and Lena and the rest of the girls, I felt safe. I didn’t have to pretend, because we were all equals. Peers.
Cut to right now. Lena, Lena…goddamn Lena. She up and got her life together! It’s not even fair! Now she’s no longer the writer/actor/showrunner of a controversial, likely-to-fail new show. Now she’s the writer/actor/showrunner of a wildly successful and hotly anticipated (semi)new show. She’s no longer the proud owner of a bad haircut — now she has a hipster pixie. She’s no longer living at home — although her parents are still very rich and fancy. She got a $3.7 million book deal just because. And! And and AND…she has a boyfriend now! What the eff, Hannah? I mean Lena! I mean I don’t know who I mean! But whoever you are, you’re leaving me in your dust! I’m still single and a little overweight and a lot directionless! How do you expect to relate to me with the new season of Girls when you’re making out on street corners with your boyfriend Jack Antonoff of fun. and I’m bringing sandwiches to work to eat at my desk?
I demand — I demand that you stop pulling your life together this instant. Or, barring that, I demand that you stop producing Girls, since it’s clear you no longer have your finger on the pulse of society. Because now that I’ve been abandoned by Lena, I don’t think I could bear it if I were to be abandoned by Hannah, too. Oh the indignity. And also I can’t finish this whole jar of peanut butter by myself.
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