We at Crushable have a tendency to gauge a story’s level of crazy according to how likely it is that Lifetime will release a movie about it next year. As a habitual viewer and critic of the network, I’ve started to view everyday life through a Lifetime-colored lens. The downside is that it makes all men look like murderers, and around Christmastime I get confused when Santa brings kids presents instead of husbands for their mommies. But the upside is that I’m able to provide you with a list of 2012 events that should be made into 2013 Lifetime movies. I’ve even provided the titles! They’re listed in no particular order, but I did save the most Lifetime-worthy for last.
1. The Robsten Cheating Scandal
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Title: Interview with the Trampire (framing device, anyone?)
There are so many angles to take with this story. There’s the basic cheating angle, which
speculates about outlines how the affair between Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders occurred, and how it affected Robert Pattinson and Liberty Ross. There’s the publicity stunt angle, which could play out like a conspiracy theory, a la JFK. Or it could just be the Liz & Dick of our generation, except with more brooding and messier hair.
2. Hostess Going Out of Business
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Title: Just Desserts: The Hostess Twinkie Story
So maybe this is only scandalous for those of us who were horrified to hear of the impending death of the Twinkie, but wouldn’t you love to see some kind of dramatic story about one woman’s fight to save America’s favorite snack food? Just me? Okay.
3. Halle Berry’s Boyfriend Drama
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Title: Decked and Mauled By Beau of Halle (Yes, it was Thanksgiving, but the pun’s there.)
Two men fighting over a woman is what Lifetime lives for, and the Thanksgiving violence between Halle Berry’s baby daddy Gabriel Aubry and her current boyfriend Olivier Martinez is a classic example. Lifetime would have a field day examining Halle’s questionable romantic choices, and I would jump for joy over the botched French accents.
4. The Making of Liz & Dick
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Title: Scandalous: The Making of Liz & Dick
Lindsay Lohan’s entire life is Lifetime-movie-worthy. There’s going to be one someday, and if there’s any justice in the world, I’ll be the one to write it. But perhaps the most interesting Lindsay story would be an examination of what went on behind the scenes of Liz & Dick, from Lindsay being late to set, to the makeup people’s struggles with a $0 budget, to the mocking reviews. Lifetime has an edge here, because they actually made the movie, so they wouldn’t have to speculate (but they probably still would).