TLC, a network that should have changed its name four or five years ago, offered us a glimpse into the lives of “trophy wives” last night. Armed with my best friend and a chocolate martini, I sat down and really tried to focus on what I knew would be an important learning experience in my life. Secrets of a Trophy Wife did not disappoint. I now feel fully educated and prepared to embark on the journey to becoming a trophy wife myself, a lifelong desire of mine. I’m just sorry I wasted so much time, energy, and money on a college education when all I needed was this prime-time special to set me on the correct path.
For anyone out there who feels as I do, please sit back and absorb the lessons to be learned from the likes of Simona, Leyla, Jennifer, and Paula.
1.) Nose jobs and boob jobs are NOT optional.
If you want to snag a middle-aged bachelor with a receding hairline and mega millions, you can’t expect them to love your original honker. It’s probably “too Italian” like Jen felt hers was, or at the very least, not minuscule enough to set your entire face into an asymmetrical mess. Top that off with a nice pair of hard, bolt-on boobs and you’re all set.
2.) That goes for lip plumping too.
If your kisser doesn’t resemble that of a bloated sea bass corpse, then you’re doing it wrong.
3.) Proper style means finding a balance between Kelly Kapowski and Peg Bundy.
Off-the-shoulder skintight neon dresses, big feathered bangs, obnoxious makeup, and anything that resembles the 90s is back and better than ever. Your older husband needs daily reminders of the decade in which he peaked.
4.) Emasculate your husband daily and often.
Paula, the only woman on the show with a remotely attractive husband, feels that even though she didn’t do a single thing to earn the massive wealth her husband obviously worked very hard for, she’s entitled to treat him like a piece of shit. Makes sense.
5.) Highlights vs. black hair dye
If you aren’t into brassy zebra stripe highlights (see Kelly Clarkson, circa American Idol) then you must dye your hair Kim Kardashian black. And that’s it.
6.) Entrepreneurship comes with the trophy wife territory.
As the trophy wife of a ridiculously successful husband, you automatically earn the title of ”entrepreneur.” This could mean you design your own swimwear. It could also mean that you go to the gym 6 times a week, twice a day. You say potato, I say… potato.
7.) Upstage your friends by choosing the most obnoxious baby name of all.
8.) Trophy wives become trophy mothers: “Push presents” vs. “Cut presents”
You can’t possibly push little Priscilla out the natural way, silly. You don’t want to ruin your vagina. Or your marriage.
9.) The art of perfecting the baby voice isn’t just for Paris Hilton.
Pinch your nose. Get your voice to an off-the-charts high pitch. This is now how you speak to your husband at all times.
10.) It’s time for a real “come to Jesus” moment.
Even trophy wives are religious. It’s okay to be a completely psycho hose beast as long as your reference the Lord.