Megan Fox Is Here To Remind You That Babies Are The Worst

Megan Fox’s new little baby Noah with her husband Brian Austin Green was only born in September, but he just became the most unpopular infant in all the land. Let me explain. You know how Megan Fox is always showing off her body? Like in little tiny bikinis and plunging necklines and stuff? Well I do. I know she does that because any time I see a picture of her, I can’t help but notice that her body is so bangin’ that it makes me want to climb on a treadmill and never get off, at the exact same moment that it makes me want to give up entirely and sit on the couch with an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Looking at pictures of her is a very confusing time for my body.

But no longer. Ever since she gave birth, Megan has been much more aware of the public perception.

“It changes your perspective about being overly sexual in a film when you have a baby. I’m going to be more cautious about choosing films because I’m already thinking about when he’s in school and his friends are going to be showing him my photo shoots with me in a bikini and he’s going to be horrified. So that will deter me from making some of the choices I made before.”

Aw, shit. No more bikinis from Megan Fox? Every man in America just got so angry at this baby. Oh, and lest you think that she’s only covering up because she doesn’t want people to see her extra baby weight, don’t be fooled:

“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I’m still 10 pounds heavier but I don’t want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it’s not a priority right now.”

You dirty dirty bitch. Twenty-three pounds? For a whole baby? Give me a break. That is so unfair. That’s the amount of weight I gain when someone SAYS the word ‘baby’ around me. This is absurd. Already the entire male population is mad at your baby, and now the entire female population (myself included) is mad at you for being a freak of nature who’s incapable of looking anything but gorgeous at all times. GUHHHH.

So basically, whether you’re male or female, if you’ve been feeling any vague, directionless bitterness lately, it’s probably for Megan and new baby Noah. I can take that for you right over here.

(Image: Darla Khazei / Pacific Coast News)

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    • Véronique Houde

      So let me get this straight? Because she gained the normal amount a woman is supposed to gain, she’s a bitch? I guess I’m a bit h too then

      • romylove

        It’s a joke.

    • Rachel

      I also gained 23 lbs over the course of my pregnancy (magic number, I guess), and it does have its negative aspects. I spent the last two months of my term having to go to the hospital three times a week for stress tests to make sure the baby was healthy because the doctor was concerned over my size. Yes, it was nice having to do exactly nothing to recover my pre-baby body, but there are pluses and negatives with everyone’s personal situation. Acting like one scenario is just envy-worthy enough to write an entire article over is ridiculous.

      And I’m aware the hostility was “joking,” but it wasn’t funny, in my opinion.

      • Blooming_Babies

        Me too with all three babies but outside of my midwives crazy notion that I should gain 40-50 lbs no one was ever the least bit concerned…

    • Cara

      My mom gained only 20 with me. Some bitches are lucky that way.

      • Diane Aguilar

        Or maybe your mom was too ill with morning sickness to gain more than 20 pounds. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. Your mom was a part of an earlier age when women weren’t expected to look “sexy” when they were pregnant or gain their pre-pregnancy bodies at all, so your mom’s minimal weight gain was just what her body was meant to do. Does this mean your body will probably do the same thing? Most likely, and it should be accepted as one of the ways women go through pregnancy. It shouldn’t, however, be actively celebrated as the BEST way. Nor should the Post-Pregnancy Weight Loss Olympics that seems to be all the rage these days. (Bryce Dallas Howard is forever in my good graces now for going against that grain in favor of just bonding with her baby.)

        When I become pregnant, I’m letting my body gain whatever amount of weight it wants to gain (without “eating for two”, mind) and once I give birth, I’m not going to give a shit how long it takes me to lose the weight I’ve gained, nor whether I lose all the weight, period.