Is it a day of the week ending in ‘Y’? It is? Well then let’s grab a glass of throw-able Pinot and curl up in front of a new episode of Real Housewives tonight. With seven location now — Orange County, New York City, Atlanta, New Jersey, Washington D.C., Beverly Hills, and Miami — we might as well just accept that at this point, the Real Housewives franchise is like happy hour: it’s 5:00 somewhere, so I guarantee it’s on. Anywhere the women are tanned and stretched facially taut, it isn’t long before Bravo appears on hand to film their daily dramas and pipe them out into the world, steaming hot and full of guilty pleasures. Let’s face it, if you’re reading this post, you’re not some casual observer. You haven’t caught snippets of a few seasons deep in the depths of Bravo late-night TV. You have it much worse than that. You’ve followed a whole season or five, most likely religiously. You know all the women’s names, and you’ve gotten into spirited arguments in the workplace over who the craziest one is, and who the most sane. You’ve worked their little sayings into your daily life to the point where you don’t even realize you learned them from a pampered cougar on reality television.
You’ve got all that. You know you do. So why not get a little back from it? Why not let your love for these women tell you a little about yourself. You’ve already let them into your hearts, so why not let them into your heads? Well that’s why we’re here. We here at Crushable have formulated a little test to tell you what your favorite Real Housewives location says about you. So lie down on our little therapist couch, and let us tell you a thing or two.
If Orange County is your locale of choice, you’re a classic, traditional type of so-and-so. You like black-and-white movies, leather-bound books, and a dozen roses. Since this is the original season, you put great stock in other originals. Perhaps you have a stamp collection or an inordinate fondness for 90s rappers. Like Vicki and Tamra‘s friendship, you have a staying power you should be proud of, whether it shows up in your long-term relationships, or your endurance in the world of sports. You’re a solid, dependable sort of person. Oh and you love a fake tan. But that’s just a given.
NEW YORK CITY
If the New York City Housewives are your bread-and-butter, you’re a sneakier, slyer sort of lady. Your dealings go on behind peoples’ backs. Some people may think that this is because you’re a sketchy mother effer, but for many of you, the root of it is you really don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. You’re a classy LuAnn de Lesseps sort of lady, so even when you philander outside your marriage and its caught on television, you’ll still lie about it Of course, just like in astrology, there are different types of people in every group, so some of you New York fans are bound to be a little more like Ramona Singer, flashing your crazy eyes and telling it like it is. Of course, this is also the location with the most serious relationships, so you will be lucky in love. And sex. You’re welcome.
If Atlanta is your favorite Housewives location, then you’re a bad-ass bitch. Nothing else to call it. These ladies are legit, driven, and talented, and they get what they want, from the Grammy-winning Kandi Burruss to the Miss USA-winning Kenya Moore, to NeNe Leakes, who performs on both Glee and The New Normal. If this is your favorite location, then you don’t take any bullshit from anyone, including your friends, and people take you seriously because of it. You do have the inclination to start a little drama ala Kim Zolciak, but congratulations, I still would not mess with you.
If New Jersey is your franchise of choice, you’re the type of person who can fly. Off. The Handle. You probably have a reputation among your friends for maybe not flipping a table like Theresa Giudice, but certainly losing your cool in public. But here’s the thing — you’re extremely self-confident and you don’t really care either way what people think of you. If they don’t like you, they can get over it. It also helps that you probably or definitely have connections to the Mafia, so people are less likely to dick you over. You still probably struggle in your relationships, though. Perhaps you’ve been cheated on in the past, or mistreated by a romantic partner. But don’t worry — as shitty as that is, it’s made you fiercely independent and resilient. You a bad-ass broad.
If you’re drawn to the Housewives of Beverly Hills, you’re kind of the sidekick type. There’s already an original franchise in California, but the Hills ladies decided there was room for them too. You’re a forward-thinker who makes things happen for yourself, and you don’t let tact hold you back from doing something bold. You wouldn’t shy away from a Brandi Glanville-style Twitter war, and you take a backseat to nobody. Also arguably the cast with the most plastic surgery, so appearance is probably a factor for you as well — you take good care of yourself and always try to look your best.
If this is your favorite Housewives location then watch our, your relationship is probably in danger. There are seven Miami Housewives, and only one normal relationship, between Lea Black and her husband. If you insist on making this your favorite show, then be prepared for either a long engagement ala Joanna Krupa, or a wacky post-marriage best friend relationship like Ana Quincoces. This is also the most dramatic cast, with people getting pushed into pools, ganged up on at parties, and literally punched in the face, so hold onto your hats or steer clear of Adriana.
If you like the DC Housewives best, then congratulations, you like the underdog. This off-shoot was bad enough that even Bravo retired it after one season in 2010, and all I know about it is that they filmed Michaele and Tarek Salahi sneaking into a White House event to meet with Barack Obama without invitations. If this is your favorite city, change your ways. There are better things out there.
See? Don’t you feel better now that you know how your choices are reflected in your personal life? Aren’t you glad that your favorite collection of wacky ladies in their various locations around the United States were able to do that for you? I know I am.