American Horror Story has officially ruined Christmas. I saw it coming, but there was nothing I could do, and now Christmas is more ruined than I ever thought possible. How did it accomplish such a feat? With a Santa-esque murderer, a nightmare tree, and a possessed nun, of course. Let’s begin.
1. “You know the difference between that Santa Claus and me, he only comes once a year.” This might be the most terrifying thing a guy in a Santa suit has ever said to someone he has tied up. But also: nice word play!
2. Oh God, Sister Mary Satan is decorating the tree with people’s dentures and hair. And she’s doing it so sassily. Possessed Mary Eunace is amazing.
3. This is definitely the first time I’ve ever sided with the person saying “Because you deny God, you can’t see the devil right in front of you.”
4. Santa Man is a Christmas-y rapist/murderer because he was raped in prison as a young man on Christmas? Horrible yet seasonal!
5. Of course Sister Satan loves the ruby earrings Dr. Arden retrieved from the intestines of a “Jewess” who died in the Holocaust. She is pure evil.
6. Sister Jude wants to get back into Briarcliff so she can save Mary Eunace from the devil and the inmates from secular Christmas? That seems ambitious. I think maybe she should pick one.
7. All I can think about when SIster Jude says “I’m doing this for her, not you”:
8. Monsignor Sexy is way too into Mary’s fucked up tree to not be possessed as well.
9. “What do you say we blow this pop stand, destroy a few elves and then suck on each other?” Santa Man (a.k.a. Ian McShane) really does have the best lines in this episode.
10. “I’m really here and I’m coming back.” When will people on this show learn to stop saying shit like this?! Lana has more lives than a cat at this point.
11. OH SHIT, the Nazi double crossed the nun so they could sick Santa on her! If that’s not an absurd sentence, I don’t know what is.
12. “You made me give you my intimacy.” That’s one way of putting it, Dr. Rapist.
13. “The aliens attacked Dr. Arden and took Grace’s dead body” is a rather WTF plot development, but I’m into it. (I’m into everything now, apparently.)
14. “One day I’ll bury you” is not a funny line at all, but YOU GO GIRL. I’m starting to think (hope?) Lana might end up the series’ “final girl” as it were. (I realize I am probably setting myself up for disappointment.)