Sound the alarms America. Some British people apparently allowed Kate Middleton to escape from the hospital and return home to her enchanted castle. THIS IS JUST LIKE AMERICAN HORROR STORY. In the sense it involves an escape. In no other way, is it like American Horror Story.
Thanks to E! Online, here’s what we know so far. Kate Middleton started “feeling better” and therefore Prince William wanted to “take her home” to continue recuperating. Sure. That’s not an elaborate cover story thought up by a team of professional escape artists. I completely buy that.
Here’s what I think happened. Kate Middleton found out she’s pregnant with octuplets…and only half of them are Prince William’s children. The other half she’s just carrying for Beyonce as a favor. I know, scandalous. But like expected-scandalous.
Kate Middleton therefore needed to go into hiding until she gives birth to all eight of these children in July. (If July’s even her real due date.) Until then we can expect to be distracted with sightings of Pippa Middleton doing mundane things and Prince Harry doing clothing-optional things.
Then, at some point this summer, Kate Middleton will appear triumphantly with her litter of children. Prince William will present them to us Lion-King-style and we’ll all willingly petition to be British colonies again.
Such is the natural order of things.