• Thu, Dec 6 2012

The Day Kate Middleton Escaped From The Hospital And Other Tales Of English Bravery

Sound the alarms America. Some British people apparently allowed Kate Middleton to escape from the hospital and return home to her enchanted castle. THIS IS JUST LIKE AMERICAN HORROR STORY. In the sense it involves an escape. In no other way, is it like American Horror Story.

Thanks to E! Online, here’s what we know so far. Kate Middleton started “feeling better” and therefore Prince  William wanted to “take her home” to continue recuperating. Sure. That’s not an elaborate cover story thought up by a team of professional escape artists. I completely buy that.

NOT.

Here’s what I think happened. Kate Middleton found out she’s pregnant with octuplets…and only half of them are Prince William’s children. The other half she’s just carrying for Beyonce as a favor. I know, scandalous. But like expected-scandalous.

Kate Middleton therefore needed to go into hiding until she gives birth to all eight of these children in July. (If July’s even her real due date.) Until then we can expect to be distracted with sightings of Pippa Middleton doing mundane things and Prince Harry doing clothing-optional things.

Then, at some point this summer, Kate Middleton will appear triumphantly with her litter of children. Prince William will present them to us Lion-King-style and we’ll all willingly petition to be British colonies again.

Such is the natural order of things.

(Photo: Wenn.com)

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  • http://fairlyodd.net Frances Bean

    I always start these articles, come to a point that makes me laugh out loud and then I go back up to see who wrote it and it’s always Jennie, lol. Well played Maier, well played.

    • Jenni

      Stopppp you’re making me cockier than the fetus living in Kate right now.

    • http://twilightirruption.blogspot.com/ abbeysbooks

      You are good you know and very funny.

  • tina

    Hahah I agree with Frances i do the exact same thing every time, i stop half way through to see and its always you!!

    • Jenni

      Thank you! (no sarcasm or snark involved)

  • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

    You. Are. The. BEST.

    • Jenni

      Best in all caps?? Now I’m feeling the love.