According to a nasty rumor in The National Enquirer, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, a.k.a. the world’s most perfect couple, a.k.a. the two people in the world I would most like to cook a delicious vegan meal for and learn the ukulele just so I can serenade, are having relationship problems because Ellen is too focused on her career. Noooo!
“Sadly, Ellen and Portia’s relationship is quickly becoming just another typical Hollywood cliche,” says an anonymous source. “Ellen is grasping at straws in her desperate attempt to keep Portia happy by amassing all of that wealth, but it’s becoming blatantly obvious that it’s forcing them further apart.”
The Enquirer is known for making stuff up, and I hope they are this time, because I don’t think I can survive another break-up of an awesome celebrity couple with my belief in love (and hence my will to live) in tact. These past two years have been so rough. First Kim and Thurston, then Heidi and Seal, Danny and Rhea, Susan and Tim, Will and Amy, and now this? It would simply be too much for my fragile soul to bear. I’d shuffle off this mortal coil post haste! A gun, a rope, a Lady Bic, whatever. Do you really want my blood on your hands, guys?
So please, Ellen and Portia, I beg of you: work it out. Go to counseling. Reassure me that your love is forever. Because if you two perfect, kind, hilarious, beautiful and loving humans can’t make it work, I’m not sure what kind of hope there is for the rest of us. And I don’t want to live in a world where true, lasting love is something that exists only in fairytales.