Lifetime isn’t a fan of marital happiness. Some of their romances promise wedded bliss at the end, but the channel’s not exactly known for their positive portrayal of couples who are already married. Either the husband or the wife (but usually the husband) is murderous, adulterous, or simply not there.
You’d think Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus would have it better. However, according to Lifetime‘s new Christmas movie Finding Mrs. Claus, those two jolly old elves are just as unhappy as the rest of married society.
In a Lifetime-influenced North Pole, Jessica Claus (How she got the name Jessica when she’s been around for 500+ years is beyond me, but I’ll let it slide) is disappointed with Santa’s lack of interest in her dumplings. As she says, it used to be he couldn’t stay away from them, but now he barely touches them. This is the first of many sexual innuendos in this film, by the way (“Ho ho ho!”).
Mrs. Claus is played by Mira Sorvino, who at the start of the film wears prosthetic makeup to make her appear old. The only thing I could think while I watched her was that they bothered giving her makeup to look old but Lindsay Lohan looked exactly the same age through the entirety of Liz & Dick. Somebody explain to me how that makes sense.
Poor Mrs. Claus has to look through Santa’s mail all by herself while her husband snoozes. It’s then that she discovers a letter addressed to her, from a little girl named Hope (Aislyn Watson) who wants her mom Noel (Laura Vandervoort) (winning the award for most transparent Lifetime character naming) to find a husband for Christmas. If I had a nickel for every time a kid in a Lifetime movie asked Santa to find their mommy a husband… well, I’d probably have enough money to have paid for prosthetics for Lindsay.
This letter prompts a fish-out-of-water experience for Mrs. Claus in
Canada Las Vegas, where Noel works at a casino. But of course Mira Sorvino can’t go the whole movie looking like an old lady, so she uses some of Santa’s magic dust to turn herself into a hottie with a body.
The problem with Mira Sorvino being in this movie is that I couldn’t stop thinking about Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion the entire time. When Mrs. Claus looked old, I kept thinking about the movie’s flash-forward to Romy and Michele in their old age arguing about who’s the Mary and who’s the Rhoda. When Mrs. Claus would sit at the casino bar, I just kept wanting her to ask for the businesswoman’s special. I can’t help it. When I’m introduced to an actor in a movie that iconic, I’ll never be able to see them as any other character.
Canada Las Vegas, Mrs. Claus gets a lot of free drinks and gambles a lot (“This is more fun than reindeer games!”). Meanwhile, her husband notices she’s gone and sets out to find her and apologize for neglecting her. He takes the magic dust too, and suddenly he’s Will Sasso from MADtv. Say what?!
So begins a wild goose chase that shouldn’t be that wild considering they’re both wandering around the same casino. There are a few misunderstandings, like when Santa finally finds his wife while she’s hanging out with a bunch of adoring men and she invites them to her room (which is really a tactic to help Noel find a husband).
Mrs. Claus is obviously not as well-versed in Lifetime movies as the rest of us, because she misses the fact that Noel is destined to be with Miles (Andrew Walker), the cute bartender who serves Mrs. Claus virgin peppermintinis and looks after Hope while her mom works. Hard to miss, I know.
In the end, Miles does that Lifetime thing where he hogs all the attention at a public event, this time by singing like an angel at Hope’s Christmas concert, where she has chickened out with stage fright. Long story short, Noel and Miles end up kissing way too passionately in front of her daughter.
Meanwhile, Santa sets one of his elves up with a hooker (don’t ask), and then he and Mrs. Claus renew their vows. Ugh, you guys, haven’t you ever watched a single Real Housewives episode? Renewing your vows is the kiss of death. I look forward to reviewing next year’s movie, Divorcing Mrs. Claus.