Happy 31st birthday to good oldÂ Britney Spears, the proud owner of a roller-coaster of life, which she lets us all climb aboard and ride from time to time. She started out as a pink-cheeked pop starlet scandalizing us with …Baby One More Time, moved through a tumultuous relationship withÂ Kevin Federline and a super public meltdown, and is kinda sorta still working on her comeback, with varying degrees of success. She has a judging gig onÂ X-Factor, is engaged to her former manager,Â Jason Trawick, and theoretically releases new music sometimes, but not really. In short, she’s still a bit of a mess, so I took the liberty of compiling a little list of some birthday ideas for her. I know she’s a busy lady, so this way all she has to do is peruse this list before she takes her daily dose of Comeback Potion, and by the end of the day she’ll have a revitalized career — good as new!
- Send one of your minions out to Starbucks for a Frap. Come on girl, you know you love it. I remember all those photos from the gas stations back in the day.
- Look through a photo album of K-Fed. Remind self that he’s a chubby chunker now. Return to day with renewed sense of pride.
- Ditch. That. Weave. How long have we been waiting for your hair to grow back, now? Is it back? Why isn’t it back? It should be back, but if it really isn’t, proceed to Step 4.
- Commission a cake full of ground-up horse vitamins to get that mane nice and lustrous.
- Get single. I’m sure Jason is great, but I think you need to do you for a while. Plus your weird videos back and forth to each other kind of really creep me out.
- Burn that shiny red jumpsuit you wore in the video forÂ Oops (I Did It Again). We really couldn’t find one with longer legs?
- HitÂ Simon Cowell with an umbrella. Pretend it’s 2008 and he’s a parked car.
- Shave your sons’ heads. Just for old time’s sake.
- Get married to the actual famousJason Alexander, just for the sake of clarity.
- Start biting your toenails, too. Give the bloggers more to talk about.
I don’t know about you, but to me this sounds like a nice, full, birthday. Better hop to it, though, lady, I’m betting the drive-in churches in Vegas close early on Sundays.