Joe Jonas Must Be Punking Us, Because He’s Dating Someone Named Blanda Eggenschwiler

I feel like Joe Jonas is punking us right now, because according to the internet, he is really and truly dating someone named Blanda Eggenschwiler. BLANDA. EGGENGSCHWILER. Honestly, he’s just making things too easy for me at this point. Blanda is the kind of name I would make up for someone dating a Jonas Brother, not one that she should be born with herself. In fact, when you date someone who already has a ridiculous name, you’re taking work away from me, Joe Jonas. It’s my job to say funny things about your life, but when you date someone with a name like Blanda Eggenschwiler, you don’t leave me any work left to do. I have to sit in my dark, cold apartment and eat mayonnaise sandwiches because without the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings, I have nothing to make fun of anymore. My coffers are empty. My laptop sits idle. I may as well be unemployed, and it’s all your fault, Joe Jonas.

When you really think about it, it’s pretty insensitive at any time of the year, but particularly so during the holiday season, when we’re supposed to be kind to one another. That means letting me do my snarky blogging and make my money. Frankly, you and Blanda are lucky I don’t have kids, because you might as well be taking food directly out of their mouths. As it is, you’re…I don’t know…taking cute winter boots off my feet. Or something. I don’t know.

Anyway, I have no doubt that young miss Blanda Eggenschwiler is a very nice girl, but she certainly does have a silly name. I believe it translates directly from the Germanese as “Boring Egg-hider”. She comes from a family of Easter bunnies.

(Image: Lia Toby /

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