Joe Jonas Must Be Punking Us, Because He’s Dating Someone Named Blanda Eggenschwiler

I feel like Joe Jonas is punking us right now, because according to the internet, he is really and truly dating someone named Blanda Eggenschwiler. BLANDA. EGGENGSCHWILER. Honestly, he’s just making things too easy for me at this point. Blanda is the kind of name I would make up for someone dating a Jonas Brother, not one that she should be born with herself. In fact, when you date someone who already has a ridiculous name, you’re taking work away from me, Joe Jonas. It’s my job to say funny things about your life, but when you date someone with a name like Blanda Eggenschwiler, you don’t leave me any work left to do. I have to sit in my dark, cold apartment and eat mayonnaise sandwiches because without the Jonas Brothers and their purity rings, I have nothing to make fun of anymore. My coffers are empty. My laptop sits idle. I may as well be unemployed, and it’s all your fault, Joe Jonas.

When you really think about it, it’s pretty insensitive at any time of the year, but particularly so during the holiday season, when we’re supposed to be kind to one another. That means letting me do my snarky blogging and make my money. Frankly, you and Blanda are lucky I don’t have kids, because you might as well be taking food directly out of their mouths. As it is, you’re…I don’t know…taking cute winter boots off my feet. Or something. I don’t know.

Anyway, I have no doubt that young miss Blanda Eggenschwiler is a very nice girl, but she certainly does have a silly name. I believe it translates directly from the Germanese as “Boring Egg-hider”. She comes from a family of Easter bunnies.

(Image: Lia Toby /

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    • Guest

      Just the fact that you have to reach back into 2008 for purity ring jokes gives me plenty of material to make fun of you, too. Seriously, update yourself. You can’t be snarky about something non-existent. It makes you look stupid. Maybe in Switzerland where Blanda is from Alexis Rhianon is a funny name, though certainly not your real one. Luckily for her, she’s a successful model and graphic designer who also gets to bang Joe Jonas, so you can just hang out here with your outdated, non-pertinent snark. Blanda will be fine.

      • Cee

        Well I’m sure you’ll be keeping her company because you believe the boy band that wore purity rings in 2008 is still the best band and that they’ll come back and put all the other equally crappy bands to shame.

      • Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

        OOOOH!!!! BURRRRN!!!!! Good job. You sure told her! And just because you might be one of those TOTAL idiots that genuinely doesn’t know when someone’s being sarcastic, I’ll let it be known–I was DEFINITELY being sarcastic.

    • …her?

      So she’s basically Anne Veal, right?

      • Jenni

        HA! Great reference.

    • angie

      she’s from switzerland, that name over there is as common as emily smith or something in america. but nice try to be funny.

    • deggenschwiler

      Can’t you find anything better to do than talk about someone’s last name….it’s her heritage….I’ve heard all the egg jokes before……as my last name is Eggenschwiler…..I just laugh it off as I’m very proud of my family name!

    • yvanne

      sure her name is a little bit ridiculous but u can’t go around and make fun of ppl names or LIVES you’re not better than anyone especialle Joe

    • yvanne

      sure her name is a little bit ridiculous but u can’t go around and make fun of ppl names or LIVES you’re not better than anyone especialle Joe

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