So Forbes just released their annual list of the top-earning musicians this year, and guess who’s poking her precious blond head in at #8, tied with Sir Paul McCartney? Why it’s young miss Taylor Swift, of course, just back from skipping in a meadow and getting dumped by a hipster. Taylor made $57 million last year once you factor in album sales for Red, concert revenues, and her CoverGirl endorsement. That is a damn lot of money. And if I know that loosey-goosey Taylor, she’s sitting around somewhere in a sundress and some Converse (yes, on the first day of December — what a silly billy!) wondering how to spend all that money. Well ponder no longer, Tay-Tay, because I know just the thing.
Taylor, you need to use this money to buy yourself some more boyfriends. And not the good kind, either — the shitty, commitment-phobic, emotionally disconnected kind. Why, you ask? BECAUSE WE NEED MORE ANGSTY TEEN LOVE SONGS AND YOU’VE ALREADY AGED OUT OF THAT BRACKET. It’s a perfect idea! You know how when a genie offers you three wishes, there’s a rule that you can’t wish for more wishes? Well this is sort of like that, except it’s totally legit. How did Taylor Swift make all this money? Why, by dating and subsequently breaking up with Mr. Wrongs like Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, and Connor Kennedy, of course? So how should she expand her Swifty Empire? By buying more dudes to date and then releasing them back into the wild! It’s perfect because by this time, most human males have learned not to date Taylor Swift. Sure, she’s that epic combination of famous, adorable, rich, and talented (FART), but there’s also this weird thing she does right after she dates you where she exposes all your shortcomings and teaches the whole country to sing along with them in thinly-veiled mockumentaries of your manhood.
As a sidebar, Britney Spears made one million more dollars than Taylor last year just by sitting at the X-Factor desk chewing her cuticles and watching the kickbacks roll in from her schoolgirl days. Life isn’t fair, right? So write a song about it.