Every different Real Housewives franchise has their own special gimmick, and The Real Housewives of Miami is no exception. Whether they realize it or not, the producers have created a show where every single cast member has a weird and wacky relationship situation, and many of them were tastefully showcased on last night’s episode. And since there was no real drama to speak of this week — according to the preview, we’re saving the big bombs for next week in Bimini — so let’s go through them one by one and marvel at their strangeness, from least strange to most.
On the most normal end of the spectrum is Lea Black, whose relationship with her husband Roy is actually surprisingly normal. He’s a famous lawyer who still works, she owns her own business, and they have a kid together, RJ. Standard! So I guess I lied about there not being a single normal relationship on the show, but this is the last one you’ll see, I promise.
Lenny and Lisa Hochstein also have a relationship that’s pretty close to normal, at least from the outside. They’re married, with no kids yet, with Lenny working as a well-known plastic surgeon and Lisa pal-ing around the house with their housekeeper Daysy calling herself Lenny’s “best creation”. Yes. This man’s wife refers to herself as his best creation, on account of he’s put so much plastic into her body that she’s more recognizable as a Barbie than as a human. Pretty standard for a man to control the way his wife looks and for her to subsequently be proud of that fact, right? No? Awesome.
Marysol Patton‘s situation is a little more murky, to me. She married her husband Philippe in the first season of RHOM, but said this season that they’re separated. Except she still has feelings for him, and she stayed over there one night this season when she was too drunk to go home. And based on her reproduction of their conversation, it sounds like he at least a little bit has feelings for her, too, so I don’t understand why they’re not together. Or if they’re not gonna be together, why they’re not divorced. This one’s not too wacky, but it’s still in the mix.
Next is Adriana De Moura and her fiance Frederic. This one confuses me because the guy is clearly obsessed with her…refitting his yacht to her specifications, not freaking out when she go-go dances at his parents’ 50th Anniversary dinner, etc…when she is clearly a crazy bitch. I mean, this woman punched Joanna in the face, and she still has an extremely wealthy man hanging on her every word while she decides whether she’d ultimately like to marry him or not. She says she has a lot of ‘demons’ about relationships, which basically means trust issues, but she really likes getting in her own way as well, so I can’t wait to see how this turns out.
Onward and upward through the ridiculous spectrum, to Joanna Krupa and Romain Zago. These two aren’t even married; they’re engaged, and have been for five years. (Well actually, news recently broke that she called off the engagement, but for the purposes of the show, they’re still together.) This relationship confuses me because the two of them don’t seem to like each other. They speak openly on the show about the fact that they don’t have sex, and any time Joanna drinks, she gets so crazy and makes Romain so mad that the two of them almost break up. She caught him e-mailing another woman and heard rumors about him kissing a dancer at Mynt, and yet the two of them are still engaged, albeit without a wedding date set. WEIRDTOWN.
Getting into super weirdness category now…we have Karent Sierra and Rodolfo. A relationship held almost entirely over Skype and, today, a little bit in a dentist chair as Karent cleaned Rodolfo’s teeth and asked him to help her freeze an embryo. Ugh, god. I can’t with this. It’s too sad. I feel like Karent is all about it and Rodolfo’s just dicking around. There were all those accusations earlier in the season that he was texting and Facebooking other women, and it’s just sad to see Karent throwing herself at the idea of a husband and a family when she’s not getting that back from him. Also he himself is a total weirdo. I hope he gets his spot blown up in Bimini next week like it looks like he does.
And finally, the king and queen of weird relationships: Ana Quincoces and her husband Robert. These exes describe themselves as best friends, but they’re actually still husband and wife, since they’ve never finalized their divorce. Up until last week, they worked in the same office together every day, and Robert still has a key to Ana’s house. Sure, they have kids together, but these two need to let each other go. They each have their own separate relationships now, and yet they still won’t sign the divorce papers. I completely and utterly do. Not. Get it. But congratulations to Rob and Ana for winning the 1st Annual Weirdest Relationship Award! You should be very proud.