As Americans we made a grave error this fall. Sure, at the time, the presidential election seemed important. But I think we can all agree that in retrospect, it doesn’t really matter. Not when compared to our weekly TV line-up.
Apparently some ABC executive time traveled from the ’90s to 2012 and got both Tim Allen (star of Home Improvement and Santa Clause 1-8) and Reba McEntire (star of syndicated shows on Lifetime that my sister always watches at home during the holidays, causing a huge fight over the remote because really, Reba!?!) TV shows on Friday night. They’re respectively called Last Man Standing and Malibu Country. In Tim’s defense, Last Man Standing actually premiered last year. But the fact that it’s back and promoted alongside Malibu Country makes me think that someone’s suffering from a strong case of the nostalgias.(WebMd says it’s that or pregnancy.)
I know we love the ’90s, but I think this line-up proves we’ve gone too far with our obsession It’s time to take a step back and think about what we’re doing.
Last week we explored the magical fact that Reba McEntire appears to be aging backwards, and this week we’re going to dive into a few other things that should’ve stayed in the ’90s.
1. The Home Alone Franchise
While I have a strong feeling that Kevin McCallister is a sociopath with some kind of deranged sense of morality, I still enjoy watching Home Alone and Home Alone 2 every year. However every movie beyond that (and there are three) is horrible and unnecessary and stupid. They not only take up valuable space on ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas Countdown, but they also remind me that Macaulay Culkin isn’t look too hot these days.
2. “I’m Flying” Titanic Jokes
Sometimes I’m still out with people who make this joke when they’re standing on a ledge. It got old three weeks after the movie premiered in 1997. So we should stop saying it like yesterday.
However, I will say, the Draw Me Like a French Girl meme could entertain me all day.
3. The Backstreet Boys
Look, I loved the Backstreet Boys as much as the next girl who bought her first AAA bra from Limited Too. But they need to retire and stop with the comeback tours. Let us remember them fondly — and not as those old guys who keep bombarding us with announcements about their children. 5th Grade Me really can’t handle my crushes being responsible dads. It’s kind of a turn-off.
4. Lindsay Lohan & Amanda Bynes
We loved these ladies in the ’90s. Between All That, The Amanda Show and Parent Trap, I would have traded my entire beanie baby collection to spend a day hanging out with either of them. Probably even my Tamagothci.
Now, not so much. [Insert 14 billion news stories from the last 3 months.] Orange isn’t really my color.
5. Everyone from the cast of Boy Meets World, and yes, that includes both Morgans
Earlier this week I went into depth on this matter. Most people disagreed with me. If I’ve learned anything from Chris Brown, it’s to ignore the haters and just repeat yourself louder.
6. Little Women
Even though this movie made me hate Kirsten Dunst and fear that my good deeds would lead to my death, I still loved it. So why then did Lifetime have to go ruin it with their new holiday movie The March Sisters at Christmas. There was actually no need for that. No need at all.
Stick to ruining classic love stories Lifetime, that’s what you excel at!
7. Sweatshirts tied around the waist
Just thinking about this trend now makes me so uncomfortable. Wear it or don’t wear it. But don’t half commit by casually tying it around your waist. Be an adult and make a decision.