Famous person Jessica Simpson announced that she’s pregnant this week. This is
the first time she’s been pregnant since the first time she was pregnant when she
was pregnant for the first time, which marked her first pregnancy. The first time
she was pregnant was only last year. It was her first pregnancy, at the end of which
she gave birth for the first time to a lovely baby girl, which was the first time she’d
given birth to a human, boy or girl, and marked the end of not only the first time
she’d been pregnant but also the first time she’d given birth.
I, first time and foremost time, I’m happy for her. After all, there’s no better way to
celebrate the birth of your first child then by doing it. I know when I have my first
child, I’m going to have my pants at my ankles somewhere around the crowning.
Of course, all the entertainment magazines jumped on this incredibly important
story about a relevant celebrity. She even told Us Weekly that the pregnancy
wasn’t planned. Did I need this detail? No. It was pretty self-evident, but I applaud
her candor. It’s a great marking of this special, unplanned occasion. She might
even be able to share the articles with her child one day. “Look, sweetie! This is the
People Magazine article where I called you a mistake. Isn’t this special? You know
what isn’t special? Some condoms.”
But that’s not the only piece of big news coming out of Jessica Simpson. Evidently,
she’s planning to finally wed Eric Johnson, a pro footballer and her fiancé of two
years. To put it lightly, this is also a thing that will happen in a place sometime.
So, that’s what has Jessica Simpson back in the public-eye. In fact, that’s all that ever
has Jessica Simpson in the public-eye: doing normal person things.
I mean, when was the last time Jessica Simpson did a celebrity thing. When was
the last time you heard a Jessica Simpson song, or saw or a Jessica Simpson movie,
or read about her doing tons of coke in a club and then giving money to hurricane
victims? It hasn’t happened. Because she’s made a career out of doing things most
regular people do only with slightly bigger breasts, which, when you really think
about it, isn’t a talent. It’s just slightly bigger breasts.
She’s famous for being married, then getting a divorce, then dating, then getting
engaged, then getting pregnant, then having a baby, then losing the baby-weight,
then getting pregnant again. None of these things are reasons to be famous. My
mom did all of these things while teaching high school five days a week, but she
has normal breasts so nobody cares? I don’t get it. If Jessica Simpson is famous,
everybody who has done anything, ever should also be famous.
I say we boycott Jessica Simpson until she does something actually worthy of our
attention. If we don’t, we might be reading stories about Jessica Simpson shopping
at the super market. “Jessica Simpson switched from 2% to 1% milk today. How
will that affect the career she never had?”
Or we could sign a petition demanding that if you’ve lived a day in your life where
you walked or talked or breathed or existed, you should get your own article in a
major tabloid because you sitting there, reading this in your underwear is a way
better story than the pregnancy of some lady who was married to the lead singer of
a terrible boy band ten years ago.
Personally, I like the boycott though. Because if we shun her until she shows us she
deserves to be a celebrity, we’ll probably never have to her about her again. That
way we’ll never have to hear about her again.