Gather round everyone, because Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has an important lesson to share with us die-hard Jersey Shore fans who are still watching after a brutal six seasons of housemates drankin’, fallin’ down, and gettin’ arrested. As you’re no doubt aware, due to her ballooning size on the show and the fact that she is now in possession of a baby in real life, Snooki is preggers. Like…eight months preggers. In 103 degree Jersey heat. So that’s pretty preggers. She’s also pretty much by herself, as her fiancee Jionni LaValle is down in Florida for seemingly-endless softball games. With that in mind, Jenni, Sammi, and Deena decided to throw her a Shore-style baby shower last night. Now, if you’re like me, you’ve never heard of a Shore Shower before. Possibly the concept has never existed before, but it exists now, and after watching last night’s episode, there are some crucial elements that henceforth must be included in all future Shore Showers, forever and ever amen.
- The Shore Shower must take place in a restaurant the guest of honor has no interest in attending.
- The lady-friends of the baby mama must set up the decorations while either hungover or still drunk from partying the night before.
- The mother-to-be must enter said party extremely disappointed. Do whatever you have to do to achieve this. You can cancel plans on her, refuse to do what she wants to do, or tell her you don’t believe that she’s really pregnant. It’s up to you — be creative.
- Unlike a traditional baby shower, you gotta have some fellas there. Ideally your housemates, but any old feller will do.
- Along that line, any males in attendance must not wrap their presents. To do so would be to suggest invested time and effort, which is not the guido way.
- The baby mama should have a romantic history with at least three males present, including the baby daddy.
- To that end, the shower guests must be seated at a U-shaped table so that everyone can look into each others’ eyes and none of the awkwardness from said romantic histories is wasted.
- Has to be broadcast on national television. This is the trickiest one, but with the way reality television is going in America, just get yourself a quirky habit and sooner or later, a TV crew will show up to put you on A&E or TLC and then you’re in.
And that’s it! Those are all the requirements! So get out there and get a guido baby in your belly so your drunk-ass friends can throw you a Shore Shower! HURRY!