The exciting news is in that Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades of Grey helped the baby name “Anastasia” jump 10% in popularity this year. As someone actively trying not to have children right now, I think I speak for all mothers when I say that this news is totally understandable.
When I think of my future daughter, I naturally think about her having a lot of eye-opening sex with an experienced man who will gently introduce her to the world of BDSM. Also I think about her learning to walk and enjoy the taste of freshly strained peas. But mostly I think about her sex life.
In fact, I’m already anticipating the day when she comes home from her hologram middle school and says to me, “Mommy, why did you name me Anastasia?”
And I can look at her lovingly and lead her wordlessly into her into my bedroom. I’ll reach below the mattress and pull out a tattered copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and hand it to her.
“Remember how mommy told you about sex last year?”
Her face will redden, but she’ll nod.
“Well, there’s a lot mommy didn’t tell you. For example, that time you walked in on Daddy arresting me. Well sweetheart, Daddy’s not a cop. Didn’t you think that explanation made no sense?”
She’ll think about it for a few seconds and shrug her shoulders in agreement.
“Oh Anastasia Steele,” I’ll say to her, “I love you so much and this book will explain everything you need to know about, well, everything. Oh and also, when you finish reading it, let me know what you think about their casting choices. I’d love to hear your opinion.”
She’ll take the book, stay up all night reading it and totally appreciate being named after Anastasia Steele. Then she’ll make an appointment with a therapist.
(Photo: Hollywood Gossip)