Last night’s American Horror Story was, once again, pretty fucking scary. The idea of a person being held against their will and subjected to all sorts of invasive operations and non-consensual “therapies” is one of the worst things I can imagine. Luckily, there’s still a lot of hokey supernatural shit and groaner lines to provide the comic relief. Let’s begin!
1. Of course the angel of death is Frances McDormand in retro cosplay with a tiny hat and giant, black, Hot Topic wings like my friends used to wear to the all-ages Goth club. This really should take up every single number, but I’ll try to restrain myself.
2. “All of her girl parts have been scooped out.” I love how nonchalantly Sister Mary Eunice says this. She is turning into one psychotic villainess.
3. When will the nuns learn not to let schizophrenic mental patients near the meat grinder unsupervised?
4. The Angel of Death and whatever is possessing Sister Mary are cousins. Aaaaw, they have a lil’ family rivalry going.
5. Okay, I can’t help it. The Angel is back and Lana is seriously considering taking her up on her offer (I would too if I were being raped by a psycho doctor who thinks I’m his mommy, even if he looked like Zachary Quinto), but what kind of logic is at play here? Are we to believe the “patients” always have the option of willing death to come, or is this something new in the world? Is she real, or some kind of metaphor? (Duh, if there’s one thing we’ve learned so far it’s that everything is real.)
7. Lana’s entire plot line is legitimately terrifying to me, but does it seem like a bridge too far that the first car that stops for her is being driven by a crazy, heartbroken man about to commit suicide? Or does it just make it even more like a nightmare she can’t wake up from? I’m undecided.
8. Sister Mary Eunice is going to frame Sister Jude for the Nazi hunter’s death how, exactly? By making it look like he’d suddenly switched gears to be a hit-and-run driver hunter? I feel like that would require more than taping a newspaper clipping to the TV, but what do I know? I’m no possessed nun.
9. It was, however, considerate of her to leave the bourbon and the suicide razor in case Sister Jude needed them. (PS, that was a very good suicide fake out. Shit is like duck duck goose at this point.)
10. Oh hey, look, Little Missy is alive! But her dad seems like he is already onto Jude, so uh oh. I bet he’s a murderer! What the fuck is going on? Didn’t those newspaper stories say she died? Or did Sister Jude just successfully project that onto me with her anguished guilt-acting? (I don’t have time to go back over all the episodes, so help me out if you like.)
11. It’s a testament to this show’s utter horror that “you’re safe now” makes me fear for Lana’s life more than any threat that blonde demon could have uttered.
12. COT DAMMIT FRANCES MCDORMAND, WHY’D YOU RUIN GRACE’S DEATH WITH YOUR STEAMPUNK TOMFOOLERY?
13. Sure cops, go ahead and leave Kit and Grace for dead without noticing Kit just sliced a giant, scary monster thing in half. NO BIG DEAL.