So apparently Chris Brown‘s fans might be as violent as he is. I’m sure we can all remember the woman beating scandal of 2009, when Chris Brown beat his then girlfriend Rihanna so badly that images of her battered face went viral and most well adjusted members of society asked the burning question, “what the fuck is wrong with this guy?!”
Since the incident, Chris Brown has done a really wonderful job of proving to the world that he is exactly the man we pretty much all think he is. Most recently, he proved his value as a human being during an extremely vulgar Twitter fight with comedienne Jenny Johnson. It ended with Chris Brown deleting his Twitter account. (THANK YOU, JENNY JOHNSON.)
While some of us are praising Jenny for doing her part to make the world (or at least the interwebs) a better place, some are less than happy that Chris Brown is down one social media outlet. His superfans, known collectively as “Team Breezy,” have been taking to Twitter in support of Chris ever since the verbal fight between he and Jenny began. And of course the best way to show your support is by spewing threats of violence all over the internet, right? ‘Cause that’s what some of Chris Brown’s biggest supporters are doing. It’s simultaneously hilarious, and scary.
Considering that we haven’t been on Team Breezy, well, ever, we got to thinking: should we be watching our backs? What would Team Breezy do to us if they looked through our archives and saw some of the less than pleasant things we’ve had to say about Chris Brown over the years? Could our Spelling And Grammar Lessons With Team Breezy put us on their radar? Or what about that one time we laughed along with Stockholm? We haven’t exactly been very warm and fuzzy when it comes to CB.
Good thing we can look back at all the threatening tweets. It’s always much easier to fend off an injection of cancer when you know it’s coming.
So that we can take the necessary precautions, I’ve compiled this list of Bad Things That Might Happen To Us At The Hands Of Team Breezy:
We might get injected with cancer. This one sounds serious. But I do have one question: Where will Team Breezy be getting the cancer, exactly?
We might get killed. Kinda boring, but still something to be afraid of, I think.
Hey Rihanna, can you tell my fellow Crushable staff that we might get taken down for talking shit on Chris Brown? Thanks.
We might get told to #IngestGenitals!
We might get “killed out?” Is that different from getting “killed in?”
We might get threatened with bad grammar and poor spelling! Oh, the horror! (Also: eggs?!)
We might get made fun of for having pets. In order to protect ourselves, maybe we should have the numbers for all local no-kill shelters on speed dial.
I don’t know if I’m more afraid of some random girl from Twitter sitting on my face, or having 1235 needles stabbed in my eyeball. (Will 1235 needles even fit in one eyeball?) Either way, we need to really be careful of this Team Breezy member. She seems lethal.
See? Lethal, like I said. She may call us all “thirsty.” TO THE WATER COOLER, STAFF!
Now this is just ridiculous. We might get told we have no life?! Obviously this is a threat we shouldn’t take too seriously, considering that all of us here at Crushable have VERY important things to do all the time.
We might get a mutant big brother (“it”?) sent after us.
And of course, the biggest threat of all? We just might get called bushpigs.
(Photo: Sergen Isici/Virtualnights.com/WENN.com)