4. The older you get, the more your mouth waters when you get turned on!
According to relationship experts, this is called the Saint-Bernard-Effect.
5. When you’re ready to commit, throw a handfasting!
Why there aren’t more Pinterest boards devoted to the beautiful Pagan handfasting ceremony, I’ll never know. But after witnessing Kevin and Jude get Pagan-Married last night, I couldn’t help but believe in an almost-wedding’s power to destroy families. The holiday rom-coms aren’t lying. Parents really do get upset when their children marry someone they don’t approve of. In this case, I’m talking about Kevin’s mom getting weirdly upset that her son married someone older than her. Age is just a number!
6. If a man makes you scream so loud that you almost get evicted from your apartment, it’s good!
…Unless he’s murdering you. Then it’s bad. But otherwise Stephanie says that noise-complaint-orgasms are the way to go. That’s how you know he’s the one.
7. Start doing anti-gravity tricks now if you want to be able to do crazy sex tricks in your 70s!
Guys, Hattie can put her legs behind her head. This is how she attracts all the young men. She stays in shape with her magical anti-gravity machine that helps her retain her flexibility. This means she can do sexy-time tricks that Cirque Du Soleil performers can only dream of doing. So no matter how much this machine costs, you must get one. Otherwise you’ll just be that 76-year-old lady who looks like a 76-year-old lady — and that would be tragic.