Last night I watched the TLC special Extreme Cougar Wives. I learned a lot. Mostly about myself and what it means that I willingly subject myself to these kinds of TV shows. But also about love. Like your grandmother who brings up Fifty Shades of Grey during Thanksgiving dinner, these old ladies had a lot to say about relationships. While their wisdom can’t compare to what I’ve learned from reading the chat transcripts of the OkCupid Cannibal, they’re definitely valuable ramblings when it comes to finding the age-inappropriate one. If that’s your thing. And it should be if you ever want to star in a reality TV show.
1. Crawling out of a bedroom window after sex is exciting!
So Jude Bradley and Kevin Herrara are in love. Despite their 33-year age difference, they’re head over heels over walker over braces in love. But since Kevin’s only 21 he lives at home and since his parents are total prudes who wouldn’t know love if it knocked on their door selling polident, they don’t approve of the two sleeping together. So Jude, who’s 53-years-young, must crawl out of his window after they have sex to avoid his parents. She loves the excitement of it all!
2. Sex is the feel good drug!
Hattie Wiener is 76 and tell you what, she doesn’t look a day over 75. What’s her secret? SEX!!!! It’s the feel good drug that keeps everyone young. So she has it a lot. With a lot of people. While I don’t want to just throw labels around on this site, I will label her as the woman who’s closest to Benjamin-Buttoning her way to back to her twenties.
3. Look for men who lost their V-Card in middle school to an older woman1
Let’s say you’re old calendar-wise, but young vagina-wise. You’re going to need to find a man who meets your needs. Just because Stephanie is 65 and her boyfriend Octavio is 28 doesn’t mean they can’t be lovers. (And man oh man, are they lovers! More to come on that in lesson #6.) As Stephanie and Octavio share their romantic backgrounds with us, it becomes disturbingly clear that Octavio got taken advantage of by his friend’s mother. She seduced him when he was 13. File this under “Wildly Inappropriate!”