When I saw the article titled ‘Justin Bieber Shirtless: Singer Tweets Photo Of His Six-Pack At The Gym‘ on Huffington Post, I thought I was just finding the topic of my next post. I thought I’d click the link, giggle at a picture of a scrawny body, maybe go “Awwww!” and then move on with my life. After all, I am a fairly self-assured 25-year old female. I know what I want in a guy, and it is by no means an 18-year old, onesie-wearing, newly-single Canadian popstar. I mean sure, I joked about it after the news came out that he and Selena Gomez had broken up, but that’s exactly what that was — jokes.
And then the picture came up on my screen and I took a look. I mean a look. Wait. WAIT. No. This isn’t happening. I am not admiring this guy’s body. He’s like…seven years younger than me. But what voodoo magic has he been doing that I didn’t realize he had a six-pack?? In my head, he’ll always be that doofy, swoopy-haired guy in the purple hoodie, and I feel pretty gross and creeper-y because I just gave the new version of him the elevator eyes.
It’s his fault, though! Why doesn’t he put his doofy little face in the picture?!? That would’ve snapped me right out of it, seeing that perched atop this muscle-y bod. Instead you can just see his tattoos. Boy’s got tats on tats, which only makes me think of him as more of an adult, which totally does not help at all one single bit.
But then! A miracle! Something distracted me from his shirtless-ness! And it’s his fashion! Thank god for Justin Bieber’s silly-ass fashion sense, because it brought me back from the brink of being a Class A Ogler. What is this kid doing with his pants situation? Does he have conductor overalls folded down over underoos? Because that is seriously what it looks like. I’m starting to think that Selena was dressing him, because ever since they broke up, he’s been rocking a style that’s like Kanye crossed with a baby. Like an actual infant. I’ll just have to cling to that in these trying times, as Justin tries to ‘get sexy for the ladies’, in his words.
Or else just Photoshop his pompadour-ed little face on top of any shirtless photos he tries to post. That oughta do it.