Well everyone, it’s the end of a very angsty, overly sexual, pale era. The Twilight series is over in the books and in the movies. I would say “Oh, boo-hoo, I’m so sad.” But I’m not. I feel like all of the actors in Twilight are better than Twilight. They have way more potential than taking of their shirts or climbing trees really fast. Yes, Twilight was an amazing starting place for all of them. If it wasn’t for Twilight, Taylor Lautner probably wouldn’t have a Taylor Swift song about him. And Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have allegedly gotten into a relationship just for publicity with a really hot guy. So yes, it was good. But it’s time for these actors to move on.
After an actor is in a series (especially a teen series), they really need to pick some good projects to make sure that role isn’t the only role people know them by. Robert Pattinson probably doesn’t want to be called Edward Cullen forever, although I’ll always know him as Cedric. Not every actor is going to do that though. Some are going to never be heard from again, and some will only be heard from when they are on Celebrity Rehab in 10 years. So here’s my predictions for what is going to happen to the Twilight cast now. Check in with this in a few years to see if I was right.
Kristen Stewart is going to be one of those actresses who tries way too hard to get people to stop calling her “Bella Swan.” She’s already in On The Road, which comes out in December. In the movie she’s apparently in some pretty raunchy sex scenes. If she doesn’t quit acting all together in a few years (because does she even like it?), then she will end up like Shia LaBeouf. She will make overly sexual or artsy things in order to get people to see her as an adult who was never in the Twilight movies. She’ll want to be taken seriously, and I guess actors think that full-frontal nudity is the way to do that.
Okay Robert Pattinson, you have some real potential here. Yes, you’re attractive. And you’re attractive in way that’s going to look very manly and adult in a few years instead of Taylor Lautner who will always look boyish. IMITATE RYAN GOSLING. Ryan Gosling was in The Mickey Mouse Club and Young Hercules, but nobody even thinks of that when they hear his name. When I hear the words “Ryan Gosling,” I think of The Notebook or Drive, and then I can’t think of anything else because my vagina explodes. I hope Robert Pattinson picks different roles, but not too different (see Kristen Stewart above). It seems he’s already trying to do this because he’s going to be in Mission: Blacklist, which is a psychological thriller, and he’s also going to be in Map to the Stars, which is a dark comedy. So keep doing that R-Patz, and you’ll have worldwide success for a very long time.
I’m sorry, Team Jacob, but I feel like if any actor from Twilight is going to fade into obscurity, it’s going to be Taylor Lautner. He only has two projects coming up, one of which is Grown Ups 2 where he plays Frat Boy Andy. I never saw Valentine’s Day because it would be the equivalent of throwing my money into a sewer, but I heard his acting was not so good in it. It seems like the only thing he is good at is taking off his shirt, so that leaves two careers for him: Lifeguard or porn star. Pick porn, Taylor. I bet making Twilight XXX: Breaking Hymen, Twilight: E-Clits, and Twilight: New Poon will make you way more money than fading into obscurity will.