Another week has passed and that means another week of everyone’s favorite Bravo series, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, darling. Sorry, it’s just that every time I recap this show, I cannot help but start talking in a British accent a la Lisa Vanderpump. It’s just part of my routine these days, but enough about Lisa. She’s had my attention the past two weeks and that’s just not fair to the other housewives. It’s time to give some of the other ladies a bit of my time, and there is a new girl in town, Yolanda Foster.
Born in Holland, Yolanda Foster is the newest addition to the Beverly Hills cast. She is pretty damn fierce. She’s also married to one of the greatest music producers ever, David Foster, who makes his own special appearance in this episode. The two of them have a huge family, and she also runs her own company that helps married couples keep the love and romance alive. We catch up with Yolanda at her house, chatting it up with her caterer, Richard. She’s planning on having all the women over for dinner for a little housewarming party. Her house is 12,000 square feet and 12,000 kinds of amazing. She mentions about 89 times that she was the one who created the house. She drew ever inch, every room, every everything, blahblahblah. She kind of reminds me of a female Donald Trump. She loves to brag. Okay, we get it. You have good taste, Yolanda. Good job. It’s also right on the beach which is perfect when you’re a Real Housewives and have absolutely nothing to do except spend money and be filmed for a reality TV show. Sorry, I’m bitter.
Yolanda is pulling out all the stops for this dinner. She’s making appetizers, flower arrangements, table settings—the works, man. She wants the whole experience to be perfect for her and all of her guests. She even does the seating arrangements according to people’s height. (But was she joking? I couldn’t tell.) Doesn’t she know that any dinner party ever held on a Real Housewives episode always ends in completely disaster? No dinner party has been held on the Real Housewives world where all the women have walked out unscathed. It’s just not the Andy Cohen way.
The women begin to arrive (some with husbands in tow), and Taylor Armstrong already looks a little tipsy. David Foster makes an appearance. He calls Taylor “Kyle,” and I think that just starts the whole thing off on the wrong foot. Taylor is a friend of his ex-wife, which is also kind of awkward for them. Then Mr. Foster goes into this whole speech about how great of a housewife and homemaker his wife is (which is nice), but then he continues on his rant and claims that he’s shocked that women don’t know how be good homemakers anymore. Back in his day, when people wrote with feather quills and a woman’s only duty was to make sandwiches and push babies out of their vaginas, things were different, I guess. Way to make fans, David Foster.
But anyways, back to Taylor being wasted. She’s at the dinner table, flirting with some dude who is apparently the most famous trumpet player in the world, and talking about how her “arch-nemesis” (Brandi Glanville) isn’t there, so she can actually enjoy herself. She starts going off AGAIN about how Brandi JOKED about sleeping with everyone in Beverly Hills to some guy that she doesn’t even know. When is Taylor going to give that up? Brandi was making a joke. She has not actually slept with every man in Beverly Hills. Did I mention that Taylor does this all while slurring her speech? Too many cocktails for you, Ms. Armstrong. It’s really sad to watch a train wreck like her, but I cannot turn away.
Yolanda just watches Taylor with these hilarious “I am totally judging you” eyes, and then states, “There is nothing more ugly than a drunk woman.” Uh oh, well if that’s the case, I’ve been ugly every weekend since I was 19, but that’s beside the point. After dinner, David Fosters goes to his piano that is littered with Grammys and starts playing some song while song dude from American Idol (that I have never heard of) sings. What the hell kind of dinner party is this? No one is fazed at the madness that is ensuing. Is it normal to go over to some rich persons house, eat incredible food and then sing about love? If so, I need to buy a plane ticket.
Everyone circles around the piano because apparently singing is mandatory at these dinner parties. Kyle starts singing “Amazing Grace” with some other “famous” singer that I have never heard of. David jokes that none of the women are allowed to sing, and that’s when Taylor starts to pop off about how she doesn’t want to be a part of anything anyway. My god, Taylor is looking haggard these days. I know she’s going through a lot, but come on, put the drink down, girlfriend. Then they start to play “Danny Boy,” which is probably one of the saddest songs ever. My grandfather and aunt used to sing that song all the time before he passed away. It’s usually played at Irish funerals, so I get why Taylor is a little uncomfortable, but even so, she needs to lock it up. She’s a guest at a dinner party. You can’t run the show. There seems to be some miscommunication about respect and hosting and such.
I can feel some bad blood boiling between Yolanda and Taylor. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of some great blowouts to come. It doesn’t seem like Yolanda Foster takes shit from anyone, especially Taylor. Until next time, darlings!
(Photo: Bravo TV)