International law states that every reality show requires a villain. It doesn’t matter whether that happens by casting emotionally unstable people or by using clever editing. As long as there’s a person for everyone to hate, it’s all good.
And that little legal lesson brings me to Sarah Austin, the brand spanking new villain of Bravo’s Start Ups: Silicon Valley. She’s the worst. Mostly because she reminds me of every horribly fake girl you hated in middle school. She’s pretty, she’s perky and she’s probably insane. The 26-year-old life-caster proved in the third episode last night that she’s not someone you want to make angry. But she’s also not someone you want to make happy. Because once she realizes she can benefit from the friendship, she’ll totally suck all the fun out it. And then, when you can’t remember why you liked her in the first place, she’ll throw you to the curb and turn everyone against you.
Yes, I am describing a friendship I had in 6th grade. But I’m also describing a friendship someone probably had with Sarah Austin in 6th grade. These girls never change. They just grow up and get reality shows. Such is the way of the world these days.
Sure at first she looks like a totally normal girl. Maybe even someone you’d want to be friends with in real life. But then you start to listen to what she’s actually saying and you start backing away slowly. Something I hope David Murray starts doing after he sees her act like a complete insane person in front of their friends.
The night starts out like a night out should start. If you’re a line-dancer. (If you’re not a line-dancer, your nights probably don’t’ start like this.) Sarah, David, Jay Holanda and Marcus Lovingood dress up like cowboys and go line dancing together. They’re laughing, they’re dancing and they’re having a good time. Until they go upstairs.
(Cue the exorcist soundtrack.)
David asks Jay how his date with Hermione Way went. (Remember Hermione Way and Sarah Austin are best frenemies.) Sarah hears this, makes up an entire romantic backstory between herself and Jay and then accuses him of date-cheating on her. A date, that keep in mind, Jay denies ever happening. He truly thought they were hanging out as friends. But that small fact doesn’t stop Sarah from throwing her drink in Jay’s face and storming off like she has any kind of valid reason to be angry.
David, her dutiful friend, follows her and tries to understand why she just put on her crazypants. Sarah — who’s 100% wearing her crazypants right now, possibly while conducting the crazy train to Crazy Town — looks at David and is all like, “because if you throw a drink in someone’s face, you’re crazy?! That didn’t come from a place of angry, it came from a place of hurt.” This inane confession makes David nod his head agreeably, while thinking to himself that Sarah may not be the most stable of his friends.
They go back to the table where the drink-throwing happened and Sarah’s pleased to see Jay left. After all, she’s Sarah Austin: Professional Life-Caster and she shouldn’t have to put up with date-cheaters. Even if date-cheating isn’t a thing. And her and Jay never went on a date.
(Photo: Bravo TV)