I lied. Jessica Biel didn’t see a man’s penis before her wedding to Justin Timberlake. SHE SAW TWO. That’s right ladies and gentlewomen of the jury. Jessica Biel saw two penises (peni?) just days before she looked in Justin Timerlake’s eyes and said “I do.”
It’s as scandalous as it sounds.
But in case you want a little more context to this story, I’ll give you some. Oh man oh man, I will give you some context. I just can’t promise that you’ll like all this context.
Here goes. Last night Jessica Biel stopped by The Late Show with David Letterman to talk about juicy 7th Heaven gossip. Or not. I’m just guessing that’s why she went on. Anyways, she then brought up her wedding to Justin Timberlake. You know him, right? He’s the spaghetti-haired kid from *NSYNC.
So in the days before she married him, she went on a retreat with her friend to a spa in the Swiss Alps. I’ll let Radar Online take it from here:
“We’re in the spa, in the sauna and in walked two husky Austrian men…OK, I thought this is a little unusual but we’re in Europe…I didn’t really know what the protocol was,” the Total Recall star said, noting she wore a bikini that day. “They drop their towels — they are butt naked! Older, husky men — they were naked and I’m in the middle of them!” she said. ”I look over and I realize, yes it is confirmed, there are balls on wood! Not just naked, but balls on wood Dave! I was so stunned … I just laid there sandwiched in between these [guys,]. We found out later this is very normal.”
BALLS ON WOOD. That not only sounds like a lame name for a basketball game, but it also like we have a scandal brewing in our midst. All the elements are in place: a sauna, husky men, balls on wood. I mean, I’m pretty sure I just laid out the three necessities involved in any Lifetime movie made this year.
So while I don’t want to jump to conclusions, I don’t want to not jump to conclusions. Or I guess what I’m trying to say is, do you think Mary Camden really meant it when she apologized to her parents for drinking that half-cup of beer?