• Mon, Nov 19 2012

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Welcome Aboard The Crazy-Train, Porsha Williams-Stewart

Listen, I don’t like to choose favorites, but I’m pretty well-versed in the Housewives franchise by this point, and I’m gonna have to say that The Real Housewives of Atlanta is my favorite. These women just don’t take any shit from each other. I’m used to the New York and the Miami Housewives, who definitely have problems with each other, but talk about them behind one another’s back. When they’re not punching each other. Obviously. In Atlanta, all the shit-talking is right to your face and it’s so exhilarating.

I’ve already told you how terrifying I find Kenya Moore, but ooooh ladies, there’s a new bitch in town who really presses Kenya’s buttons, and I love it. Her name is Porsha Williams-Stewart, and she’s the granddaughter of the famous civil rights leader Hosea Williams. If my math is correct, she’s about 28 years old (she said she met her husband, Cordell Stewart, at age 27, and they’ve been married for a year), and dumb. as. bricks. She took Kenya out to lunch to ask her to make an appearance at her fundraiser, and the only questions she asked (or the only ones they filmed, anyway) were about whether Kenya was married, and when she wanted to have kids. I don’t know if this girl doesn’t have a lot of girlfriends to chat with, or if she’s reeeeally not good at reading situations, but she was pissing Kenya off hardcore, and let me be the first to tell you that that is not a good idea.

Porsha mentioned offhandedly that she’d like to have all her baby-making done by age 35…which for Kenya is six years in the past. She also says she wants t have twins so she can avoid being pregnant multiple times, and that she’ll use the Chinese calendar or ‘Eastern…uh, Eastern medicine’ to ensure she has a girl. Okay cooool, so I have a basic idea of how your brain does or doesn’t work. Let’s go to your fundraiser and see how that turns out.

In her little introductory vignette, Porsha made clear that she doesn’t work. Her ideal day is calling up some of her other friends who don’t work, going out to lunch with them, maybe some shopping, and then coming home. She grew up wealthy, and she married wealthy, and if her event is any indication, that is the extent of her skills. First of all, there were only about thirty people there, and second of all, it began with, like, a gift-giving ceremony from Cordell to Porsha. He brought her a cake shaped like a high-heeled shoe, a clutch from Chanel, and a check for the party, and then she kicked him out so it could be just us girls again. And then AND THEN when she went to introduce Kenya to the party, she said, “Miss America 1990…” and trailed off until Kenya interrupted her with “Miss USA”. Oh damn girl. You poked the bear. You have just POKED. THAT. BEAR. You invited her to come to your event and then messed up her title? You have to realize that Miss Kenya thinks she’s a celebrity, and that her time is valuable, and she is about to walk up out of your party. Yup, there she goes onto the curb to wait for Miss Lawrence and you…oh, you’re gonna follow her? Okay, Porsha, but you’re gonna get yelled at. Yup, there it is, she’s telling you how you disrespected her and your party sucks and your lawn smells like manure and your tent is freezing. Quick! Kick her out before she can say she’s leaving! Well…you almost did it. Nice try, Porsha. But what you did do is prime the pump for a legendary rivalry starting next week.

And let me tell you, I cannot wait for that.

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