There’s a rumor floating around that Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy faked their breakup and are still secretly dating! What?! Allegedly, Conor and T-Swift staged the breakup to get Conor’s family off their back but are still in touch. They may even have a super cute plan to secretly meet up when he has a break from school.
This is a great plan! For a 1984 coming of age movie. Not for two extremely famous people.
Conor, you know how you planned to sneak out the kitchen door during Thanksgiving break to meet up with Taylor at the local dive bar? Well first you’re going to have to fight off all the neighborhood girls who made it their personal goal to “hook up with Taylor Swift’s ex” over Thanksgiving. Even if you do, you’re going to have to wade through blocks of paparazzi in order to get to Taylor. And you can bet your bottom dollar that those neighborhood girls will be right on your heels.
And Taylor? Can you see me from underneath all that cash you’ve been racking in for your new album Red? You are hereby voted Least Likely To Be Able to Do Anything Secretly. You are a six-foot blonde girl with bright red lips. You are visible in any crowd and from certain satellites. I like to think that you travel anywhere in your tour bus (because that’s a fun image for me). You will have a lot of things in life, girl. The ability to slip under the radar is not one of them.
I get it. A secret relationship is fun! You get to sneak upstairs during Thanksgiving for whispery phone calls, while your mom is struggling with the turkey, which she keeps referring to as a “bird,” which totally grosses you out. You exchange sappy text messages at 1 a.m., inventing adorable nicknames for each other. You pretend that your childhood teddy bear is your secret boyfriend/girlfriend and you go out to a romantic dinner date with said teddy bear where you spoon feed it a chocolate soufflé while you – What’s that? That’s just me? Okay, cool. Roger that.
Anyway, I understand the appeal. And the whole thing has a whiff of the Grease plotline about it: Summer lovin’ turns into a deep and committed relationship even though no one thinks they should be together. But you ain’t no Sandy and Danny, and this ain’t no Fun House. For you two, a secret relationship is wishful thinking.
Time to go write a song about it, Taylor.