• Fri, Nov 16 2012

Matthew McConaughey Takes America’s Advice, Admits He Needs To Eat A Cheeseburger

As you’ve probably noticed, Matthew McConaughey is wasting away as we speak. If he wandered onto the set of The Walking Dead, the director would probably yell at him for not being on his mark and growling. The dramatic weight loss is supposedly for his role as a man suffering from HIV in the upcoming film The Dallas Buyer’s Club, but I’m convinced he’s using the film as his audition tape to play Jack Skellington in the live-action remake of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Aren’t there some kind of special effects by now that can make actors look skinny for roles without them having to eat a radish-only diet? Can’t they use the same technology they used in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to make Brad Pitt look like he did pre-Angelina?

Matthew’s weight loss has led to a lot of concern from America. As with Kate Moss and the Olsen twins before him, we can’t seem to stop yelling “Eat a cheeseburger!” at his gaunt image. Luckily, it looks like Matthew has heard us, because he told Hitfix.com that if he can’t find a po boy — and please someone get this man a po boy and a BLT and a Cuban and every other sandwich when this movie is over! — he’s excited to bite into a juicy burger:

“I will have some 70 percent beef, 30 percent fat ground beef, maybe a half pound cheeseburger with another three types of cheese. I’ll prepare it all and I’ll make sure that it takes three hours just to prepare.  I’m going to have buns with butter on both sides, toasted and grilled.  I’m going to melt the cheese on the top bun, Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise. I want kosher dill pickles sliced nice and thin, diced white onions, slightly grilled until they get almost hard, and some thin jalapeno slices.  And then I’m just going to sit back and let the [expletive] just drop on the ground.”

Obviously the word that got cut out is “jaw,” which will detach from his body and topple to the ground after not having been used to chew in months.

In addition to making me very hungry, Matthew’s description gives us hope that he’ll be able to get back to his Magic Mike self rather quickly. Or at least back to the size of a normal, breathing human being.

Let’s hope PETA doesn’t catch wind of this cheeseburger business. Of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if even they were like, “FORGET THE COWS, THIS MAN NEEDS A CHEESEBURGER STAT!”

Remember on Friends when Joey vowed not to eat meat while vegetarian Phoebe was pregnant so her meat cravings wouldn’t kill any extra cows? I think a huge percentage of Americans would be willing to do the same just so Matthew McConaughey can eat a cheeseburger. That’s how much we care about our celebrities, and it makes me proud to be an American.

(Photo: PacificCoastNews.com)

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